I've had this blog post written in my head for awhile now. I kept thinking I would snap out of it and get over my analytical view of every little thing, but no luck so far.
Normal...
I miss having a "normal" life. I miss waking up my kids every morning and putting them to bed every night. I miss having the "normal" family - dad, mom, and kids. I miss the chaos of juggling schedules with someone else. I miss having that other adult to help parent and bounce ideas off of. I miss it. But, I don't miss it.
How's that for confusing?!
There are SO many things I miss about my previously "normal" life. It seemed easier, less dramatic, and, frankly, it worked for a long time. Until it didn't. Adultery ended my normal. Divorce...my "I will never" became my new reality. And, for awhile now, I think I've done an "OK" job handling it all. The good, the bad, the ugly... I found my own groove and made it work.
Over the past few months, however, the reality of the past (almost) 2 years really began to sink in. I was dealing with so many emotions prior to this time. I was in survival mode. It was "yay, I made it through another week" mode. It was "I have no idea...I can't handle that right now" mode. It was "help others so I don't have to deal with my own stuff" mode. It was a time I gave myself a lot of grace and space. And, I was ok with that...because it was my only option.
But, lately, things have changed. I seem to have "snapped out" of survival mode, but still catch myself going back there at times --- or, perhaps, wanting to go back there. Frankly, it was easier in survival mode. People understood (or it seemed that way). Now, well, I seem to be aware of every little thing again. No thanks. I didn't miss these feelings. So many feelings of worrying what others think about x or y...is this person mad or annoyed with me?...oh no, this isn't perfect - I have to change it until it is...the insecurities are HIGH. I'm more aware, but don't want to be.
Weird...what I thought was the hardest time in my life had some benefits! So...unexpected.
And now I'm in this super awkward place of figuring out where I fit in, if anywhere. My friends all have significant others or spouses. I don't want one. I have nothing to give another person. I'm still hurt (damaged) from my past. I have a lot of learning and growing to do. I expect NO ONE to do that for me - or deal with me while these things happen. I refuse to allow anyone in to this mess. A friend just said to me the other day "ok, fine, do it all yourself, miss independent." It was said to make a point...and what a point it made. Why do I close myself off to people? It's so much easier to just hide from the world / reality.
Let me be clear - although the old "normal" seemed easier, I don't want it back. NO. I have learned so much about myself. And, well, I'm going to leave it at that for now.
I wish this post was super inspirational or something, but it's not. It's just how I feel right now...kind of in limbo...not sure where to go, what to do, what to think, how to feel. So NOT normal. I want peace. A peace that surpasses all human understanding. Yep...there's my answer...I've got to get back into the Word. I mean...realistically, God is the ONLY person that can figure this mess out for me. And, even then...good luck with that! ;) Kidding...I think...
One of the biggest things I've realized in all of this is that it's OK to allow yourself time. It's ok if you need space. It's ok if you don't want space. It's ok if you just sit and process for 5 minutes...or 4 hours. It's ok for YOU to do YOU...as long as you're glorifying God (or trying your best to do so). I still struggle with this some days...it literally takes others giving me permission sometimes.
Enough rambling for now...time to figure out my new normal, if that's even possible.
Until next time... Kari [xoxo]
