It's just an "Ugh" Day...for now.

(Bet you want to keep reading after that intro, huh?!)

Today's is Gage's 8th birthday!  I am so excited to see them after school!  I can't wait to "squeeze hug" both of them to the point they are annoyed and do the whole "Mom, stop" routine with the preteen eye roll from Leah and the grunt from Gage. Truly, I am so excited to spend time with them!!

The last 18 hours have been hard - emotionally draining and just exhausting.  And, it's a wave I didn't see coming.  So, yes, UGH! If you know anything about me, you know I don't like the unexpected. (Cue Kari's breaking point and that darn ugly cry again.)  If I'm completely transparent with myself, I know I am just throwing myself a pity party.  I hate those!!  It's really hard to bring yourself up out of the downward spiral when those hit. Some of the challenges I've struggled with since last night include:

1) My son is turning 8 and I don't get to wake him up and yell "Happy Birthday!" to him like I do to the kids each year. 

2) I don't get to be loud, obnoxious, and overly excited for him while he's trying to open his eyes.  

3) It's his BIRTHday. The day I gave BIRTH to him. And, he's not with me until 4:00.  

Pause - disclaimer time: Please know I'm incredibly grateful that I do get to spend some time with him on his birthday!  And, I realize some parents don't get that...ever again.  I am not trying to be insensitive to that at all / in any way whatsoever!  This blog is just me - going through a divorce - that's it. Resuming...

4) I miss our family today. Maybe that sounds weird considering the circumstances, but I do. I miss our happy little family of 4 celebrating the day Gage completed our family (or, so I thought).  How do I deal with the fact that our family would change forever just a few years after I thought it was complete?  How do I accept this new normal and keep going?  I truly do miss our family. I miss having that other person I trusted and loved. I miss being able to bounce ideas off each other and/or tag-teaming parenting duties.  Heck, I even miss the disagreements. I miss the random text asking "what do we have going on tonight?" I miss my person...I miss our family. Perhaps even more challenging for me right now are the constant questions... What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? How could I have prevented this?  Do I deserve this? What if I never find anyone else again?  What is God's plan with all this?  Will God use this mess and turn it into a message?  If so, the sooner, the better...please and thank you! Where do I go from here? And, the one I struggle with the most - by far - WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?  Today is just hard. I have so many unanswered questions that I don't think I'll likely ever answer. It's not fair, but life isn't fair.  I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier some days.  

5) As birthdays come around, I look back at pictures and see the happy times. I see the smiles. I see the pure joy and innocence of the kids. I see the sleepless nights that meant never-ending cuddles. I see all the times they were sick and I got to take care of them.  I see the hard times and the amazing times. No matter what, it was always OK because we were together.  And now...we're not. 

Today has been brutal.  It's one of those days I want to drive home and crawl in bed for hours. It's ok to have these moments, but I know I can't (and won't) stay this way.  It's just an "Ugh" day...for now.

I will keep going and we will make memories tonight...new memories and maybe even new traditions. And, once the kids are asleep in my home, all will be OK. It will. I just have to get over this little road block and see the bigger picture. I know this, but sometimes, we just need an "Ugh" moment...and that's OK (I think).

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

From the Ashes...

 

I had supper with one of my friends a couple of nights ago. As we were talking and catching up, she reminded me of something that I had forgotten. She said (slightly paraphrased because I can't remember anything these days):

"Kari, you were expected to crumble. You were expected to still be curled up in the fetal position laying on the floor, unable to move." 

It's interesting how things can be said 100 different times, but it takes just one time for it to "click." I went home and thought about this. Actually, to be honest, I really did go home and curl up in my recliner with my daughter's super comfy blanket (that she never wants me to use...shhhh). As I was thinking about our conversation, this comment kept replaying in my mind. 

"Kari, you were expected to crumble. You were expected to still be curled up in the fetal position laying on the floor, unable to move." 

"You were expected to crumble." - This part is true. I completely crumbled when everything hit. I remember being unable to move. I remember thinking, "there is no way this is actually true."  I remember the days I had to go into work an hour or so late because physically getting out of bed was not possible. I crumbled. I cried. My heart broke into a million little pieces. The shock wore off over time and reality began to hit. I lost my darn mind multiple times. I went from crying to screaming to numb to sad. I went from shocked to disbelief to "WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED...and WHY?!" I remember putting one foot in front of the other and being proud of that step...that single step. So, yes, I crumbled. 

But, the story doesn't end here. At first, I thought the crumbles were the end. Turns out, they were just the beginning.  

The second part of that statement - "You were expected to still be curled up in the fetal position laying on the floor, unable to move." I think I was like this for a bit. But, then I decided (with the help of some incredibly amazing people) to get up. So, I did it. I got up. I stood on my own two feet.  There were days that text messages held me up...others when prayers worked miracles...still others when friends randomly stopped by (sometimes with wine, woo hoo) because "they thought they should" - only to find out, I really needed that random visit.

Divorce is very much like a wave.  One day you can jump the wave like a surfing pro...the next day, you can be washed up onto the shore with your surfboard nowhere in sight. However, that doesn't mean you just lay there. It means you get your butt up and go find it. It means you try again. So, NO, I am NOT unable to move. I darn well got up and MOVED. I got UP. And you know what?!  

YOU CAN, TOO. YOU CAN GET UP.  No matter what your current battle is - health issues, family concerns, divorce, financial troubles, etc. - GET UP! There is HOPE. 

One of my all time favorite songs is "Raise a Hallelujah" by Bethel Music. The day after my thought-provoking supper, I heard it. And, I had one of those "ah ha...well played, God, well played" moments. The song's chorus says, "Up from the ashes, hope will arise." 

YES!  YES!  YES!  

Up from the crumbles, the ashes, the lowest of the low, HOPE will arise. You will be able to get up and carry on. You will be able to move forward. You will be able to learn from your mistakes. You will be able to function...to live...to grow...to thrive. Because, no matter what - thanks to our one true God, hope is always present. You may not see it at times, but it's there. You can be so broken, but YOU are a child of God - always!  No matter the mistakes made or number of times we fall flat on our face, God is always right by us. A really amazing person once told me (on a particularly hard day) to "look to the left, God is there...now look to your right, God is there." Oh the relief that can bring each of us.  

Whatever the circumstances may be, always remember: Up from the ashes, hope WILL arise.  

Life doesn't always feel hopeful. In fact, when it crumbles, it can feel down right ugly. But, you will rise. And so will I. Let's rise from the ashes together...

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Raise a Hallelujah: https://youtu.be/G2XtRuPfaAU