Am I the only one that seems to have a continuous list of "things to-do"? My mind (and life) is VERY check-list oriented. If I don't have a list, I am an anxious mess. If I do have a list - and it's longer than I think it should be, I'm an anxious mess. No matter the list I have, there is always more and more to be done. I may get 3 things crossed off the list, but then 4 more things seem to pop up that I need to do (or so it seems). I'm the MASTER at over-committing myself. This has gotten even more extreme since the divorce. I would rather do 10 things for an organization or someone else than 1 thing for myself. I don't understand it. It's weird...and often maddening. However, I also think it's part of my healing. I don't want to do things at my house because I'm often reminded of what should have been, how much has changed (even if for the better), and - frankly - of memories I don't want to revisit (good or bad).
For me, divorce has been one of the most challenging processes in this crazy thing called life. Sure, college (for example), was challenging, but I LOVED it. Parenting was - and certainly still is - very challenging at times; however, it is also very rewarding. As long as I can get a "squeeze hug" from my kids, life is OK.
Divorce...well...there is SO much involved. There are big, scary decisions that have to be made, so many unknowns, so many twists and turns, communication challenges, constant changes to your new life schedule, and a whole new routine to determine and work through. There are financial questions, home maintenance issues, and big girl decisions I didn't want to make on my own. There is the "guilt" you feel when you have to ask others for help. (UGH!) Then...there are the emotions...ALL OF THEM. They seem to hit when you least expect it. And, sometimes, you have to hide every single emotion to maintain as "normal" of lifestyle as possible - especially for the kids. And then there is work...attempting to accomplish everything while your mind is constantly spinning in so many different directions. It's overwhelming.
And...this is where I RUN...run to volunteer, run to help others, run to do something - anything - that doesn't involve facing reality. And, it worked for 2 years. Master at running...that's me. Clarification - I wish my form of running included the physical form - at least I would be in shape. Not the case. Bummer! ;)
Now that the running has (sadly) subsided, reality has smacked me in the face. So much to do. So much I let slide. So much I ignored in an effort to just "not deal with it". The to-do list is longer than it ever should have gotten. I know this. But, that doesn't make it any easier to do, especially when it brings up so many emotions and things to process. Yuck! Remember...I like to RUN - away from it all.
Before this recent "you have to face reality" time period, I did SO many fun things. Now, I'm letting the to-do list dictate my life vs. enjoying life and finding joy in the little things (such as geocaching, going on a last-minute road trip, enjoying a drink with friends, etc). So, WHY? Why have I allowed myself to get sucked back into the constant "to-do" and the "oh, I can't, I'm busy" mentality? I could argue that is one of the reasons my marriage failed. I own that. Side note - that does NOT justify the actions of my ex. Nothing does. Period. I digress.
So, what's the solution? I don't know.
Others have suggested dating. Not ready. Although, the loneliness of not having that "other person" can be maddening at times. But, that cannot be the reason I date...no need to fill the void that I haven't fully processed.
Some have suggested exercise. Doing it!
How about just accomplishing the list? Trying to.
Find a hobby? Nah.
Doing things with friends? Constantly - SO grateful for every single one of them!
There is just something missing. And it's going to take HARD work to process, deal, and move on. It won't be fun - and hasn't been, but I hope it will be worth it.
I guess "healing" will stay on my to-do list for a long while. Maybe some day, I'll check it off. I hope so. I'm so grateful for those in my life who have encouraged me to face this stage of the process. It is ugly at times, but hopefully the good starts to outweigh the bad sooner than later. ✅ A girl can hope...right?
Until next time...Kari [ xoxo ]
