The above picture...I want those shoes! Like, I legit want them! They scream confidence, authority, classiness, and - well, frankly - injury! Let's be honest...knowing me, I'd fall flat on my face and/or break a bone. Yet, I still want them. Maybe if there is a sale...then, well, maybe.
This post actually has nothing to do with the shoes...but, rather, the colored balls laying on the ground. You see, there are so many times in life I would much rather ignore what's actually going on around me - and focus on something like those SHOES! I'm such a "squirrel" girl, if you've heard that saying.
In my (admittedly crazy) mind, I frequently equate my ability to multi-task with each individual category and associated to-do list, followed with whether I achieved the goal associated with each. I know what has to be done... I know what the balls represent...
Kids, work, housework, kids' schedules, keeping in touch with people (or lack of doing so), church volunteer stuff, oh crud - more work stuff I just thought of, self-care / improvement, friends, appointments, family, laundry, volunteer commitments, etc... and within each of these "categories" is a to-do list of additional items to get done in order to put one of the balls aside until it needs my attention again.
I frequently try to JUGGLE it all. In fact, I'd also argue that I'm queen of not doing my own stuff that should be done and focusing on something / someone else. For me, it's so much easier - and WAY more rewarding to help others. My stuff can wait. If that means adding 3 more balls to the juggling show, so be it. At least my efforts to something / someone else will feel like I achieved something! YES...that's what I want!
I'm finding that I am a pretty darn good juggler - until I'm not. And, when all the balls fall around me...well, that's not such a great place to be in. You see, as I continue to emerge out of my numbness (2023 was so that year), I am realizing just how many times I've dropped the ball. I'm realizing just how messed up I still am. And then...that's when it hits. I start the oh-so-evil comparison game. "Well, they have this and I don't." "They can manage it all, why can't I?" "They are prettier and skinnier than I am." "They have it all - a normal family - and I don't." "They can afford that and I can't." And, boy oh boy is that one heck of a slippery slope. Comparison truly is the thief of joy. But, isn't it SO easy to go down that slope and get stuck? It's easy for me - and I don't like it!
Maybe the shoes would help?! Yep...let the online shopping begin. See...told you...squirrel!
Why do I allow myself to compare? Why do I allow myself to stop focusing on the things that really truly need to be done? Why do I let the balls fall around me? Why do I focus on what I don't / can't have rather than the many blessings I do have. And, more importantly, is it not maddening to KNOW you have so many blessings and FEEL truly grateful for all you do have, but yet somehow ALLOW the degrading and comparative thoughts to sneak in and take over? That's potentially more maddening to me than anything - that I KNOW how fortunate I am, but my brain won't focus on that!
I don't know what the answer is - other than to stay in my faith. But, even that has been suffering a bit lately. I have so many questions...and no answers. After all, why are the balls red, green, yellow, and blue - rather than purple, orange, black, and silver? I mean...because that totally DOES NOT matter, Kari! Stop overthinking everything!
So, tell me...please...how do YOU stay focused on what needs to be done and stop yourself from getting into that rut / downward spiral? Tell me...please!
By the way, I miss my kids like crazy. They've been gone since Christmas Day at Noon...not that I'm keeping track or anything. But, this momma needs some hugs. I need to see their eyes. It's been a very - way too quiet - week at my house. Self-inflicted, yes. I have realized just how completely screwed up I still am...and I'm really trying hard to work through some of those things. It isn't easy and it REALLY ISN'T FUN! But, it's also necessary. Loneliness is truly one of the hardest battles I've faced. Hear me when I say I've had to force myself to be "present" in it. But, that doesn't make it any easier. I think it makes me crazier...if that's possible.
Yep, this is my therapy session. I have no answers or insightful wisdom today. Nope...just more unanswered questions and frustrations. That's ok... I think it's all part of the process. Or, that's what they tell me. I supposed I should embrace it?! Ick! Nah, I'm going to find those shoes! If you see me with a broken bone over the next few months...you'll know exactly what happened. 😏
Until next time...Kari [xoxo]
