YOU did this to me. YOU did this to them. YOU caused this. This is YOUR fault. I blame YOU for it all. Why did YOU do this? How did YOU do this? I can't believe YOU!
What about ME?
(Insert really annoying "look in mirror" moment here.)
I've been attending our church's Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. While it was INCREDIBLY hard to step into the building that first time, it's been a blessing. It's certainly not "fun" and it's rather "triggering" at times, but it's good. Or, it will be good. Eventually. I think.
You see...I've been on this healing journey for more than 3 years now. It's annoying. It's hard. It's ugly...trust me. It's eye opening. It's NOT fun. But, it's important. Or, so they say.
Celebrate Recovery is not just addiction-related, but also for any hurt or hang-up in life. On my second week attending, the focus was taking your own personal inventory. This site is a good summary of how it works:
https://cr-centerpointnh.org/cr-lessons/inventory/
Now...I've been to numerous life coaches and counselors over the years. They all call this something different...shadow work, inventory, reflection, etc... And, EVERY single time I got to this step, I quit going. I quit trying. Because, you know what...I don't WANT to look at all of this. It's hard and brings up all the nasty - all over again. No thank you!
So, I found it rather ironic that my second week of CR was about taking inventory. I remember thinking "here it is again...I'm done...I quit...I hate this!" In fact, I set the papers on the seat in my car and they stayed there for the next week. I threw them away (rather aggressively) at the Casey's in Carroll one night while getting gas. I'm NOT doing it.
This past Monday...I wasn't going to go...the Chiefs were playing MNF!! But, I went. And...what do you know...it's about INVENTORY, AGAIN! No, just no!
For whatever reason, today it hit me. I have to do this. I must. It's part of it. And, you know why I don't want to? Because I have to take responsibility for my role in the events of my life. I have to look at myself and dig deep in how I have affected numerous situations (both negatively and positively). I have to look at ways I chose to cope with stuff and decide if that's a healthy way to deal with things. Again...no thanks.
But, here's the thing...I AM RESPONSIBLE. I AM RESPONSIBLE for my response, my part, my actions. No one else, but me. OUCH.
We always drill into our kids' heads to take responsibility, own up to what you did, etc. There is no reason I shouldn't do the same. And, maybe you need to, too. I don't know.
I'm not looking forward to it, but it's necessary. And, maybe - just maybe - it will get me over this "stuck / hamster wheel spin to nowhere" of not being able to move forward or allow good things to happen.
I guess time will tell. So, if you see me by myself with a notebook and paper...you should probably just let me be. ;) Taking responsibility isn't fun, but it is necessary. I'll keep you "posted"...pun intended.
Until next time...Kari [xoxo]
