Inventory...Um, no thanks!

 

YOU did this to me. YOU did this to them. YOU caused this. This is YOUR fault. I blame YOU for it all. Why did YOU do this?  How did YOU do this?  I can't believe YOU!

What about ME?

(Insert really annoying "look in mirror" moment here.)

I've been attending our church's Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. While it was INCREDIBLY hard to step into the building that first time, it's been a blessing.  It's certainly not "fun" and it's rather "triggering" at times, but it's good. Or, it will be good. Eventually. I think. 

You see...I've been on this healing journey for more than 3 years now.  It's annoying. It's hard. It's ugly...trust me. It's eye opening.  It's NOT fun. But, it's important. Or, so they say.

Celebrate Recovery is not just addiction-related, but also for any hurt or hang-up in life.  On my second week attending, the focus was taking your own personal inventory.  This site is a good summary of how it works: 

https://cr-centerpointnh.org/cr-lessons/inventory/

Now...I've been to numerous life coaches and counselors over the years.  They all call this something different...shadow work, inventory, reflection, etc... And, EVERY single time I got to this step, I quit going. I quit trying. Because, you know what...I don't WANT to look at all of this.  It's hard and brings up all the nasty - all over again. No thank you!  

So, I found it rather ironic that my second week of CR was about taking inventory.  I remember thinking "here it is again...I'm done...I quit...I hate this!" In fact, I set the papers on the seat in my car and they stayed there for the next week.  I threw them away (rather aggressively) at the Casey's in Carroll one night while getting gas.  I'm NOT doing it. 

This past Monday...I wasn't going to go...the Chiefs were playing MNF!!  But, I went. And...what do you know...it's about INVENTORY, AGAIN! No, just no!

For whatever reason, today it hit me. I have to do this. I must. It's part of it. And, you know why I don't want to?  Because I have to take responsibility for my role in the events of my life. I have to look at myself and dig deep in how I have affected numerous situations (both negatively and positively). I have to look at ways I chose to cope with stuff and decide if that's a healthy way to deal with things.  Again...no thanks.

But, here's the thing...I AM RESPONSIBLE.  I AM RESPONSIBLE for my response, my part, my actions. No one else, but me. OUCH.  

We always drill into our kids' heads to take responsibility, own up to what you did, etc.  There is no reason I shouldn't do the same.  And, maybe you need to, too.  I don't know.  

I'm not looking forward to it, but it's necessary.  And, maybe - just maybe - it will get me over this "stuck / hamster wheel spin to nowhere" of not being able to move forward or allow good things to happen.  

I guess time will tell. So, if you see me by myself with a notebook and paper...you should probably just let me be.  ;)   Taking responsibility isn't fun, but it is necessary. I'll keep you "posted"...pun intended. 

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Welcome to my Therapy Session...& those SHOES!

 

The above picture...I want those shoes!  Like, I legit want them!  They scream confidence, authority, classiness, and - well, frankly - injury!  Let's be honest...knowing me, I'd fall flat on my face and/or break a bone.  Yet, I still want them. Maybe if there is a sale...then, well, maybe. 

This post actually has nothing to do with the shoes...but, rather, the colored balls laying on the ground.  You see, there are so many times in life I would much rather ignore what's actually going on around me - and focus on something like those SHOES!  I'm such a "squirrel" girl, if you've heard that saying.

In my (admittedly crazy) mind, I frequently equate my ability to multi-task with each individual category and associated to-do list, followed with whether I achieved the goal associated with each. I know what has to be done... I know what the balls represent...

Kids, work, housework, kids' schedules, keeping in touch with people (or lack of doing so), church volunteer stuff, oh crud - more work stuff I just thought of, self-care / improvement, friends, appointments, family, laundry, volunteer commitments, etc... and within each of these "categories" is a to-do list of additional items to get done in order to put one of the balls aside until it needs my attention again. 

I frequently try to JUGGLE it all. In fact, I'd also argue that I'm queen of not doing my own stuff that should be done and focusing on something / someone else.  For me, it's so much easier - and WAY more rewarding to help others. My stuff can wait. If that means adding 3 more balls to the juggling show, so be it. At least my efforts to something / someone else will feel like I achieved something!  YES...that's what I want! 

I'm finding that I am a pretty darn good juggler - until I'm not. And, when all the balls fall around me...well, that's not such a great place to be in.  You see, as I continue to emerge out of my numbness (2023 was so that year), I am realizing just how many times I've dropped the ball. I'm realizing just how messed up I still am. And then...that's when it hits. I start the oh-so-evil comparison game. "Well, they have this and I don't." "They can manage it all, why can't I?" "They are prettier and skinnier than I am." "They have it all - a normal family - and I don't." "They can afford that and I can't." And, boy oh boy is that one heck of a slippery slope. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.  But, isn't it SO easy to go down that slope and get stuck? It's easy for me - and I don't like it! 

Maybe the shoes would help?!  Yep...let the online shopping begin. See...told you...squirrel! 

Why do I allow myself to compare? Why do I allow myself to stop focusing on the things that really truly need to be done?  Why do I let the balls fall around me? Why do I focus on what I don't / can't have rather than the many blessings I do have.  And, more importantly, is it not maddening to KNOW you have so many blessings and FEEL truly grateful for all you do have, but yet somehow ALLOW the degrading and comparative thoughts to sneak in and take over? That's potentially more maddening to me than anything - that I KNOW how fortunate I am, but my brain won't focus on that!  

I don't know what the answer is - other than to stay in my faith. But, even that has been suffering a bit lately. I have so many questions...and no answers. After all, why are the balls red, green, yellow, and blue - rather than purple, orange, black, and silver? I mean...because that totally DOES NOT matter, Kari!  Stop overthinking everything!  

So, tell me...please...how do YOU stay focused on what needs to be done and stop yourself from getting into that rut / downward spiral? Tell me...please! 

By the way, I miss my kids like crazy.  They've been gone since Christmas Day at Noon...not that I'm keeping track or anything. But, this momma needs some hugs. I need to see their eyes. It's been a very - way too quiet - week at my house. Self-inflicted, yes. I have realized just how completely screwed up I still am...and I'm really trying hard to work through some of those things. It isn't easy and it REALLY ISN'T FUN!  But, it's also necessary.  Loneliness is truly one of the hardest battles I've faced. Hear me when I say I've had to force myself to be "present" in it. But, that doesn't make it any easier.  I think it makes me crazier...if that's possible. 

Yep, this is my therapy session. I have no answers or insightful wisdom today. Nope...just more unanswered questions and frustrations. That's ok... I think it's all part of the process. Or, that's what they tell me. I supposed I should embrace it?!  Ick!  Nah, I'm going to find those shoes!  If you see me with a broken bone over the next few months...you'll know exactly what happened. 😏

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Not Mine.

 

Do you ever sit back and giggle a bit inside when you think about your life?!  I don't know that I typically giggle about it, but recently, I did. Because, you see, if someone would have told me 10 years ago that this is the life I would be living right now, I would have said 1) no way; 2) I don't think that's even possible. Ten years ago, I was happily married, had just moved into a new home, and pregnant with my son. Leah was an adorable 3 year old. Life was good. We were blessed with great jobs, good friends, and a happy little life. 

Fast forward to today and I'm divorced, living in the same house we built together, attempting to make it on my own, raising 2 incredible kids (but wondering and questioning my parenting every single day -- no pun intended with "single"), and trying to figure out what in the world my purpose really is in this life. And, so far, I'm more confused than ever as I attempt to figure it out. On the positive side of things, I still have a nice home, able to pay bills, a good job, and beyond blessed with an incredible family and friend support system. 

Yet...life is so different and NOT what I had planned. I know that's OK. I've come a very long way in the "anxiety" / control aspect of my life. Thank goodness. But, seriously, what choice do you have when your life has been flipped upside down and right-side up repeatedly?  You very quickly learn to go with the flow. Frankly, you don't have another option. 

In fact, as I sat at home a few nights ago - sort of chuckling at my seemingly odd life, I kept thinking "wow, this was NOT my plan"!  I even chuckled as I thought about God always knowing how my life would go, yet also knowing my personality, and watching it all unfold.  But, then, it hit me...nope, this wasn't my plan. But, it was ALWAYS God's plan. I still don't understand it and I'm still so incredibly impatient as I "wait" (or attempt to wait) for my purpose to be revealed. I don't know if I will ever understand any of it while living this earthly life. In fact, I frequently question if I will EVER see the "good" in it all.  Sure, there are things I'm grateful for, but it's HARD to see the long-term good when SO much as changed. 

So, as I sit here, I'm reminded that none of this is "mine." We are all living the life God has planned for us - whether it makes sense or not.  God's plan...not mine. God's will...not mine. God's timing...not mine. God's glory...not mine. Oh trust me...there are days I want it all to be MY plan, will, timing, and glory.  But then, I remember that God promises his plan is greater. 

I love this simple summary of Job's story in the Bible...

The story of Job (Job chapters 1 and 2)

Job was such a godly man that God used to boast about him, so much so that Satan wanted to test his faith. So with the permission of God, he took away Job’s health, wealth, and children. 

Ultimately Job was in so much pain and suffering that three of his friends came and sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights.

Even Job’s wife advised him to just curse God and die. But even in the most difficult times, Job didn’t get angry at God or curse him. Instead, he continued to have absolute trust in God and looked to him. He even rebuked his wife saying that we can’t only trust God during good times.

Ultimately, God restored Job’s family, health, and wealth, leaving him with more than he had before.

Life application: Job’s story teaches us that we shouldn’t just trust God when he’s doing great things in our lives – we should trust him when bad things happen too. This is because he loves us either way and is always working to use everything for our good. Remember, we are his even in death (Romans 14:8).

Clearly, God's plan is not obvious to me right now. I pray for the day that it is. I want to live for God's glory. I want to make HIM happy - not myself. (Something tells me that if God is happy with my life, I will inherently be happy, as well.) 

For now, I will attempt to live by the words "Not Mine". This isn't my life - or plan - or will - or glory - and certainly is not my timing.  But, it's God's - and I just have to trust that. Psalm 46:10 says it best... "Be still and know that I am God..." 

Two things I've always struggled with are now my reality... be still and not my plan, but God's.  The irony...yep, that makes me giggle just a bit.

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

From Checkboxes to Healing...I Hope.

 

Am I the only one that seems to have a continuous list of "things to-do"?  My mind (and life) is VERY check-list oriented. If I don't have a list, I am an anxious mess. If I do have a list - and it's longer than I think it should be, I'm an anxious mess. No matter the list I have, there is always more and more to be done. I may get 3 things crossed off the list, but then 4 more things seem to pop up that I need to do (or so it seems). I'm the MASTER at over-committing myself. This has gotten even more extreme since the divorce. I would rather do 10 things for an organization or someone else than 1 thing for myself.  I don't understand it. It's weird...and often maddening. However, I also think it's part of my healing. I don't want to do things at my house because I'm often reminded of what should have been, how much has changed (even if for the better), and - frankly - of memories I don't want to revisit (good or bad).

For me, divorce has been one of the most challenging processes in this crazy thing called life. Sure, college (for example), was challenging, but I LOVED it. Parenting was - and certainly still is - very challenging at times; however, it is also very rewarding. As long as I can get a "squeeze hug" from my kids, life is OK. 

Divorce...well...there is SO much involved. There are big, scary decisions that have to be made, so many unknowns, so many twists and turns, communication challenges, constant changes to your new life schedule, and a whole new routine to determine and work through. There are financial questions, home maintenance issues, and big girl decisions I didn't want to make on my own. There is the "guilt" you feel when you have to ask others for help. (UGH!) Then...there are the emotions...ALL OF THEM.  They seem to hit when you least expect it. And, sometimes, you have to hide every single emotion to maintain as "normal" of lifestyle as possible - especially for the kids. And then there is work...attempting to accomplish everything while your mind is constantly spinning in so many different directions. It's overwhelming. 

And...this is where I RUN...run to volunteer, run to help others, run to do something - anything - that doesn't involve facing reality. And, it worked for 2 years. Master at running...that's me. Clarification - I wish my form of running included the physical form - at least I would be in shape. Not the case. Bummer! ;) 

Now that the running has (sadly) subsided, reality has smacked me in the face. So much to do. So much I let slide. So much I ignored in an effort to just "not deal with it". The to-do list is longer than it ever should have gotten. I know this. But, that doesn't make it any easier to do, especially when it brings up so many emotions and things to process. Yuck!  Remember...I like to RUN - away from it all. 

Before this recent "you have to face reality" time period, I did SO many fun things. Now, I'm letting the to-do list dictate my life vs. enjoying life and finding joy in the little things (such as geocaching, going on a last-minute road trip, enjoying a drink with friends, etc). So, WHY? Why have I allowed myself to get sucked back into the constant "to-do" and the "oh, I can't, I'm busy" mentality? I could argue that is one of the reasons my marriage failed. I own that. Side note - that does NOT justify the actions of my ex. Nothing does. Period. I digress.

So, what's the solution? I don't know. 

Others have suggested dating. Not ready. Although, the loneliness of not having that "other person" can be maddening at times. But, that cannot be the reason I date...no need to fill the void that I haven't fully processed. 

Some have suggested exercise. Doing it!

How about just accomplishing the list? Trying to.

Find a hobby? Nah.

Doing things with friends? Constantly - SO grateful for every single one of them!

There is just something missing. And it's going to take HARD work to process, deal, and move on. It won't be fun - and hasn't been, but I hope it will be worth it.

I guess "healing" will stay on my to-do list for a long while. Maybe some day, I'll check it off. I hope so. I'm so grateful for those in my life who have encouraged me to face this stage of the process. It is ugly at times, but hopefully the good starts to outweigh the bad sooner than later. ✅ A girl can hope...right? 

Until next time...Kari [ xoxo ]

I miss "Normal", but then I Don't.

 

I've had this blog post written in my head for awhile now. I kept thinking I would snap out of it and get over my analytical view of every little thing, but no luck so far. 

Normal...

I miss having a "normal" life. I miss waking up my kids every morning and putting them to bed every night. I miss having the "normal" family - dad, mom, and kids. I miss the chaos of juggling schedules with someone else. I miss having that other adult to help parent and bounce ideas off of. I miss it. But, I don't miss it. 

How's that for confusing?!

There are SO many things I miss about my previously "normal" life.  It seemed easier, less dramatic, and, frankly, it worked for a long time. Until it didn't. Adultery ended my normal. Divorce...my "I will never" became my new reality. And, for awhile now, I think I've done an "OK" job handling it all.  The good, the bad, the ugly... I found my own groove and made it work. 

Over the past few months, however, the reality of the past (almost) 2 years really began to sink in.  I was dealing with so many emotions prior to this time. I was in survival mode. It was "yay, I made it through another week" mode. It was "I have no idea...I can't handle that right now" mode. It was "help others so I don't have to deal with my own stuff" mode. It was a time I gave myself a lot of grace and space. And, I was ok with that...because it was my only option. 

But, lately, things have changed. I seem to have "snapped out" of survival mode, but still catch myself going back there at times --- or, perhaps, wanting to go back there.  Frankly, it was easier in survival mode.  People understood (or it seemed that way).  Now, well, I seem to be aware of every little thing again.  No thanks.  I didn't miss these feelings. So many feelings of worrying what others think about x or y...is this person mad or annoyed with me?...oh no, this isn't perfect - I have to change it until it is...the insecurities are HIGH. I'm more aware, but don't want to be.

Weird...what I thought was the hardest time in my life had some benefits!  So...unexpected.

And now I'm in this super awkward place of figuring out where I fit in, if anywhere. My friends all have significant others or spouses. I don't want one. I have nothing to give another person. I'm still hurt (damaged) from my past. I have a lot of learning and growing to do.  I expect NO ONE to do that for me - or deal with me while these things happen. I refuse to allow anyone in to this mess. A friend just said to me the other day "ok, fine, do it all yourself, miss independent."  It was said to make a point...and what a point it made.  Why do I close myself off to people?  It's so much easier to just hide from the world / reality. 

Let me be clear - although the old "normal" seemed easier, I don't want it back. NO. I have learned so much about myself. And, well, I'm going to leave it at that for now. 

I wish this post was super inspirational or something, but it's not.  It's just how I feel right now...kind of in limbo...not sure where to go, what to do, what to think, how to feel.  So NOT normal. I want peace. A peace that surpasses all human understanding.  Yep...there's my answer...I've got to get back into the Word. I mean...realistically, God is the ONLY person that can figure this mess out for me.  And, even then...good luck with that! ;)  Kidding...I think...

One of the biggest things I've realized in all of this is that it's OK to allow yourself time. It's ok if you need space. It's ok if you don't want space. It's ok if you just sit and process for 5 minutes...or 4 hours. It's ok for YOU to do YOU...as long as you're glorifying God (or trying your best to do so). I still struggle with this some days...it literally takes others giving me permission sometimes. 

Enough rambling for now...time to figure out my new normal, if that's even possible.

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

Fight...for your Marriage!

A friend recently shared this on Facebook. (I don't know who originally wrote so no credit is given. Apologies for not knowing original source.)

"You're so lucky you have such a good husband..."
No.
It isn't luck.

There's nothing lucky about our marriage.
I think we need to stop painting the picture of a happy marriage that doesn't come through hard work.
Any couple who has a healthy, happy marriage that has last 10, 20, 30 or even 50 years didn't get there by luck.

They didn't just stay happily married.
They sacrificed.
They forgave.
They rebuilt trust that was broken.
They apologized.
They kept trying.
They got help when they were stuck.
They kept dating.
They got help when they were stuck.
The made time for each other.
They learned how to communicate.
They cared more about the marriage than their pride.
There was nothing lucky about the marriage.
They worked.
They worked hard for one another.

The truth is- there is no happily ever after without the blood, the sweat and the tears.
The truth is you can't get to happy without going the hard way.

Your marriage is worth working for.
Rooting for you.

Excuse me while I get on my soapbox for a minute.  No, actually, don't excuse me! FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! 

Yes, there are absolutely reasons for a divorce. In Matthew 5:32, the Bible says: "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." I would also "argue" (for lack of a better word) that abuse (mental, physical, and/or emotional) without acknowledgement, admission, and attempt to change is also just cause. 

But, since when do we just "give up"? Since when do we just throw in the towel because you found something "better"? I love the quote that says "the grass isn't always greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you water it". Water the freaking grass! Get counseling, communicate, talk through issues / concerns / everything, but most importantly, put God first. Always. A family that prays together stays together. I should have done a better job of this. I didn't. A divorce is not one person's fault. It's both. So, fight like hell to water the grass where you are and make it work.

Throughout this experience, I have seen so much PAIN and HURT show in ways it never should. The ripple effect one decision can have is quite impressive. That may be a bad decision...or a good decision, but the ripple still happens. And, sometimes, the ripple goes much further and deeper than you ever expected it to. That's great if it's a "good" thing, but obviously not great if it's a "bad" thing.  Divorce sucks. The ripples can be brutal. There are GREAT examples of civil divorces, but the others - the ones where anger and resentment seem to fester more and more as time goes on - are simply disgusting and exhausting.

So, fight for your marriage.  You got married for a reason...focus on that, build on it, and set a good example for those around you.  Perhaps, a little hard work would go a long way...

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

Cause I'm Worn...

A few days ago, I was scrolling through Facebook and ran across a song I have heard many times before, but not recently. I quickly hit "play" - expecting nothing other than hearing a good song.  Instead, I broke...completely. In fact, I've listened to it numerous times since then and every single time, it ends in an ugly cry.  I love the song...it's so true. But, I've been healing and working through some tough "Holy Spirit" messages lately and thought I was doing "ok!" Then it hit me...my friends, family, acquaintances, those I've met through all this, etc...they're worn. So worn. 

I feel somewhat guilty.  As I have been trying to maneuver and survive the past 15-ish months, there are so many around me who have also been deeply affected by the actions involved with my situation. I feel somewhat selfish that I've only focused on myself and my kids in all of this.  Have I been a "good enough" friend to those who have supported me in ways I can't even adequately explain?  No, I haven't. The same is true for family members. I have family members who have stopped their own lives to help with mine. Yet, I feel so ashamed because I haven't been able to adequately reciprocate the support and love to them. 

And, as time has progressed since my "blow up," I've watched friends struggle through their own disappointment and hurt caused by this situation (and others).  I've watched friends face their own trials and tribulations head on. I've also watched friends put their guard up in order to hide their own reality.  And, I'm realizing that everyone is so "worn." 

Stay with me here...but, being a Christian and following Jesus is hard sometimes - ok, a lot of times!

It's hard to TRUST when everything falls apart. 

It's hard to BELIEVE that this is His plan.  

It's hard to keep the FAITH when there seems to be no reason for it. (What? You expect me to keep the faith just to be hurt over and over? Gosh, does it sometimes feel that way.)

Yes, there are good things (and praise Jesus for those good things -- marriages between two people who could never dream of hurting the other person, bringing new life into the world, watching kids succeed and soar, the new job that achieves so many goals, etc..).  

Yes, good things are there!  But, sometimes they are hard to see when there is so much hurt and pain.  

This song...it's so spot on...

I'm tired.

I'm worn.

My heart is heavy.

My soul feels crushed.

I'm too weak.

Life just won't let up.

I've lost my will to fight.

 

YES!  All of that.

But, then, we are reminded of the hope we have through our faith in Jesus!  And, well, despite thinking there just isn't much hope...it's there. Because both YOU and I have been given the promise of eternal life. God really can...

Restore us.

Give us rest.

Lift the weights that weigh us down.

Put the pieces back together.

Make us strong again.

Help us see the good in life.

And, hallelujah, he has already won the good fight - for YOU - and me. 

It's OK if we lose our will to fight...because God carries us.

The words of the song are included below. Read them and then listen to the song.  What joy we have knowing that REDEMPTION does win!!

I know this post is a bit scattered.  Sorry for that.  But, I just want YOU (yes, YOU) to know that we can be torn down and worn out...and God still wins...every single time.  Even when you don't see it...He's there.  What a reassurance that is!

So, to my friends and family who have held me up, thank you. But, also - I see you. I feel you. I pray for you. I love you. Put on the armor of God and let's kick the devil to the curb.  He's robbed us of enough. Time for us to watch redemption win!  Because it will...it really will. 

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Tenth Avenue North - Worn

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn