Pivot.

Learn to see value in the pivotal moments of life where God asks you to set aside what is good so you can pursue what is better. 

I am typically a planner. Yes, I said "typically".

For most of my life, I have lived with a planner by my side (Blue Sky, to be exact) - marked with different colors for different people and / or activities. To-do lists are a staple in my world. Is there really anything better than checking off what you accomplished and watching the list become shorter (or crossing off, if using the always dependable paper and pen - with a black permanent marker to boldly show the done items)?!  

Years ago (yes, I'm getting old and wearing "reading" glasses to type this), if something went off schedule or didn't go as planned, I was not ok. In my mind, everything had to be perfect. And, oh my goodness, did I get frustrated if it wasn't.  Frankly, it was ridiculous. Thankfully, this obsession of sorts subsided for various reasons.  Yet, I still enjoy a good plan, while realizing it may very well change numerous times (and that's OK).  

You see, over the past several years - and even recently - I have had to realize that my plan is not necessarily God's plan.  And, my plan certainly doesn't usually align with the plans of others around me - despite my determination and insistence that everyone else (including God) agrees with my plan.  

I mean...I KNOW what's best for ME, right?!  

WRONG. Wrong. Wrong. 

And, if you know me at all, I do NOT like to be wrong! 😉

As I have been processing life challenges and changes, a friend recently reminded me that our change in plans is really just an opportunity to PIVOT. Hmmm...I hadn't thought of it that way, but I like it! When a roadblock pops up or a path changes direction, it really is a chance to move a different way...learn...grow from experiences...and attempt to trust God's plan for us. 

Side note - I am NOT a patient person.  I always joke that I was born 6 weeks early simply because I was tired of waiting. Not my strongest attribute!  

Trusting God's plan often feels daunting and impossible, at times. I don't want to wait...I just want to KNOW and execute! 

But, I ask again -- what if every roadblock or change is just an opportunity to pivot?

In the business world, pivoting is often defined as a strategic shift in direction, often involving a change in approach without altering the core vision or goal. It's adapting to new information or changing circumstances and adjusting the plan accordingly. 

While our plans are sometimes different than God's, perhaps a change in circumstance is His way of redirecting us to His plan / outcome. 

I can so easily get frustrated when plans change, especially when I thought I had it all figured out.  It's REALLY frustrating to not KNOW God's plan. Pivoting is much easier, especially when you know what the end result will be.  But, we don't. We have to trust that God's plan is better. God's plan seems to include way more pivots than I ever planned to have. (See what I did there...planned pivots 😉.) I don't understand and it can make me very frustrated - if I let it. But, I also KNOW he sees things I don't.  God knows things I don't. His plans are so much greater than mine - or yours.  It's up to us to trust Him, even if it takes much longer than we'd like. 

So...when things change or obstacles arise, pivot. 

Oh, and find a friend (or friends) that support and encourage life's pivots. And, know that pivots are just one step closer to experiencing God's master plan. 

Until next time...

Kari [xoxo]

Enough. YOU are ENOUGH.

The below was written 4/11/25...

You are enough. 

These 3 words seems so simple...12 letters that say SO much. In fact, they say so much...and I've always struggled with truly believing them. For me (and my "crazy" brain), I was / am never good enough.  Not skinny enough. Not pretty enough. Not tall enough. Not smart enough. Not fit enough. Just that simple...not enough. Now, there are things I think I'm decent at, but the more I sit and think about it, I struggle most with outside physical looks / appearances and what others think about me. I don't think I realized until recently that my "not good enough" is really focused around my appearance and how others view me physically vs. intellectually, etc.  I have believed this for a very, very long time. I was always the shortest person on the team (not tall enough).  I had horrible acne as a teen (not pretty enough). I gained weight in college and after my pregnancies and never have gotten it all back off (not skinny enough). I enjoy running, but I can't do any big races (not fit enough). It doesn't matter...whatever it was, my mind would always convince me I'm not enough.  And, then, my marriage. It was not healthy. I think I knew that then, but I didn't truly realize it (or the extent of it) until recently. My "not enough" turned into obsessive apologizing. I truly believed I wasn't enough for my (now ex-) husband or my kids. Despite trying SO hard to be "perfect", I just couldn't achieve it.  But, darn it, it wasn't for lack of effort!  I'm learning / realizing that I thrive on validation from others. I find my worth in what others think of me. News flash - NOT healthy. Bad idea! I will never be perfect.  But, God made me in his image. God made me on purpose, for a purpose, and with a purpose. I don't think I've really realized what those purposes are yet; however, the "not enough" mindset certainly didn't help me get any closer to figuring that out. ;)  

As I sit back and reflect, I am realizing that Facebook / social media is not a good thing for me. It's where I compare, seek validation, and desire acceptance. WHAT THE HECK?!  Now, seriously, why on earth would it be logical to seek these things from an application where people can hide behind reality and, really, just click a "like" button to keep seeing your posts (vs. truly wanting to see your posts).  Algorithms galore!  Don't get me wrong...social media has its place and truly is a VERY powerful tool / application!  But,it's certainly not the "end all, be all."  It's not worthy of determining my worth, for goodness sake!  

And so...my next mission...to figure out God's plan for my life. I'm SO confused and I want to understand my purpose and where to go from here.

Section END.  

NOTE: I frequently use my blog as a "get it all out journal" and rarely "publish" what I write. This was one of those...until Easter.  

4/20/25...

My church / Pastor has a way of preaching messages that make me think "UM, how does he know? I haven't told anyone how I'm actually feeling, but he just verbalized it in a way I literally can't." Today, at our Easter service, one of the main points was "In His time, Jesus will bring clarity out of confusion." 

We discussed how we have feelings of confusion, stress, being labeled, abandonment, and suffering because of things happening in our life - or has happened in the past.  We likely all have at least 1 - MINIMUM - of these "feelings". But, the promise that God gives us is that (as was done in the resurrection), we have the Holy Spirit in us -- he lives IN us. The same Holy Spirit that raised Jesus from the dead is the same Holy Spirit who lives in us.  

And I knew...just 9 days ago, I was venting about being so confused. The truth is, I actually feel all of the things we talked about (and then some), but I find a level of peace knowing that Jesus will bring clarity in all of this -- in his TIME. As the most impatient person on the planet, this is hard -- and so maddening at times!  But, I have to trust Him.  It's SO dang hard!!!  I'm tired of waiting...trusting...only to wait some more...  

But, then I wonder if I've truly given it all to God. I haven't. I'm a control freak!!  Relinquishing control is so scary!  I just want my plan to align with God's.  Why is that really so hard?!  Because - what if - HIS plan is GREATER. What if relinquishing control will bring clarity? What if truly trusting Him will allow the Holy Spirit to work in and through us? 

So, oddly, as I asked what my purpose was 9 days ago...I got my answer today...GIVE IT TO GOD. ALL OF IT.  

I don't want to, but I have to. I need to. I can't keep going down the roads of confusion, stress, being labeled, feeling abandoned, and suffering because of what HAS or IS currently happening.  Jesus commands us to give it to him and trust his promise of being victorious in our walk with Him (vs. a victim from our past).  Perhaps our "purpose" is to work on ourselves and our relationship with Jesus, rather than worrying about why the past happened and what will happen in the future.  After all...despite our attempt to have control, it's all in HIS hands...not ours.  It won't be easy, but I pray - for you and me - that it's worth it. I also trust that in this process, we will be reassured that we are ENOUGH.  Our worth comes from Jesus - not another human or social media application. I pray for a quiet mind and peaceful heart...for all of us. 

You are a child of God...and you are enough. 

Until next time...Kari [xoxo] 

Inventory...Um, no thanks!

 

YOU did this to me. YOU did this to them. YOU caused this. This is YOUR fault. I blame YOU for it all. Why did YOU do this?  How did YOU do this?  I can't believe YOU!

What about ME?

(Insert really annoying "look in mirror" moment here.)

I've been attending our church's Celebrate Recovery on Monday nights. While it was INCREDIBLY hard to step into the building that first time, it's been a blessing.  It's certainly not "fun" and it's rather "triggering" at times, but it's good. Or, it will be good. Eventually. I think. 

You see...I've been on this healing journey for more than 3 years now.  It's annoying. It's hard. It's ugly...trust me. It's eye opening.  It's NOT fun. But, it's important. Or, so they say.

Celebrate Recovery is not just addiction-related, but also for any hurt or hang-up in life.  On my second week attending, the focus was taking your own personal inventory.  This site is a good summary of how it works: 

https://cr-centerpointnh.org/cr-lessons/inventory/

Now...I've been to numerous life coaches and counselors over the years.  They all call this something different...shadow work, inventory, reflection, etc... And, EVERY single time I got to this step, I quit going. I quit trying. Because, you know what...I don't WANT to look at all of this.  It's hard and brings up all the nasty - all over again. No thank you!  

So, I found it rather ironic that my second week of CR was about taking inventory.  I remember thinking "here it is again...I'm done...I quit...I hate this!" In fact, I set the papers on the seat in my car and they stayed there for the next week.  I threw them away (rather aggressively) at the Casey's in Carroll one night while getting gas.  I'm NOT doing it. 

This past Monday...I wasn't going to go...the Chiefs were playing MNF!!  But, I went. And...what do you know...it's about INVENTORY, AGAIN! No, just no!

For whatever reason, today it hit me. I have to do this. I must. It's part of it. And, you know why I don't want to?  Because I have to take responsibility for my role in the events of my life. I have to look at myself and dig deep in how I have affected numerous situations (both negatively and positively). I have to look at ways I chose to cope with stuff and decide if that's a healthy way to deal with things.  Again...no thanks.

But, here's the thing...I AM RESPONSIBLE.  I AM RESPONSIBLE for my response, my part, my actions. No one else, but me. OUCH.  

We always drill into our kids' heads to take responsibility, own up to what you did, etc.  There is no reason I shouldn't do the same.  And, maybe you need to, too.  I don't know.  

I'm not looking forward to it, but it's necessary.  And, maybe - just maybe - it will get me over this "stuck / hamster wheel spin to nowhere" of not being able to move forward or allow good things to happen.  

I guess time will tell. So, if you see me by myself with a notebook and paper...you should probably just let me be.  ;)   Taking responsibility isn't fun, but it is necessary. I'll keep you "posted"...pun intended. 

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Welcome to my Therapy Session...& those SHOES!

 

The above picture...I want those shoes!  Like, I legit want them!  They scream confidence, authority, classiness, and - well, frankly - injury!  Let's be honest...knowing me, I'd fall flat on my face and/or break a bone.  Yet, I still want them. Maybe if there is a sale...then, well, maybe. 

This post actually has nothing to do with the shoes...but, rather, the colored balls laying on the ground.  You see, there are so many times in life I would much rather ignore what's actually going on around me - and focus on something like those SHOES!  I'm such a "squirrel" girl, if you've heard that saying.

In my (admittedly crazy) mind, I frequently equate my ability to multi-task with each individual category and associated to-do list, followed with whether I achieved the goal associated with each. I know what has to be done... I know what the balls represent...

Kids, work, housework, kids' schedules, keeping in touch with people (or lack of doing so), church volunteer stuff, oh crud - more work stuff I just thought of, self-care / improvement, friends, appointments, family, laundry, volunteer commitments, etc... and within each of these "categories" is a to-do list of additional items to get done in order to put one of the balls aside until it needs my attention again. 

I frequently try to JUGGLE it all. In fact, I'd also argue that I'm queen of not doing my own stuff that should be done and focusing on something / someone else.  For me, it's so much easier - and WAY more rewarding to help others. My stuff can wait. If that means adding 3 more balls to the juggling show, so be it. At least my efforts to something / someone else will feel like I achieved something!  YES...that's what I want! 

I'm finding that I am a pretty darn good juggler - until I'm not. And, when all the balls fall around me...well, that's not such a great place to be in.  You see, as I continue to emerge out of my numbness (2023 was so that year), I am realizing just how many times I've dropped the ball. I'm realizing just how messed up I still am. And then...that's when it hits. I start the oh-so-evil comparison game. "Well, they have this and I don't." "They can manage it all, why can't I?" "They are prettier and skinnier than I am." "They have it all - a normal family - and I don't." "They can afford that and I can't." And, boy oh boy is that one heck of a slippery slope. Comparison truly is the thief of joy.  But, isn't it SO easy to go down that slope and get stuck? It's easy for me - and I don't like it! 

Maybe the shoes would help?!  Yep...let the online shopping begin. See...told you...squirrel! 

Why do I allow myself to compare? Why do I allow myself to stop focusing on the things that really truly need to be done?  Why do I let the balls fall around me? Why do I focus on what I don't / can't have rather than the many blessings I do have.  And, more importantly, is it not maddening to KNOW you have so many blessings and FEEL truly grateful for all you do have, but yet somehow ALLOW the degrading and comparative thoughts to sneak in and take over? That's potentially more maddening to me than anything - that I KNOW how fortunate I am, but my brain won't focus on that!  

I don't know what the answer is - other than to stay in my faith. But, even that has been suffering a bit lately. I have so many questions...and no answers. After all, why are the balls red, green, yellow, and blue - rather than purple, orange, black, and silver? I mean...because that totally DOES NOT matter, Kari!  Stop overthinking everything!  

So, tell me...please...how do YOU stay focused on what needs to be done and stop yourself from getting into that rut / downward spiral? Tell me...please! 

By the way, I miss my kids like crazy.  They've been gone since Christmas Day at Noon...not that I'm keeping track or anything. But, this momma needs some hugs. I need to see their eyes. It's been a very - way too quiet - week at my house. Self-inflicted, yes. I have realized just how completely screwed up I still am...and I'm really trying hard to work through some of those things. It isn't easy and it REALLY ISN'T FUN!  But, it's also necessary.  Loneliness is truly one of the hardest battles I've faced. Hear me when I say I've had to force myself to be "present" in it. But, that doesn't make it any easier.  I think it makes me crazier...if that's possible. 

Yep, this is my therapy session. I have no answers or insightful wisdom today. Nope...just more unanswered questions and frustrations. That's ok... I think it's all part of the process. Or, that's what they tell me. I supposed I should embrace it?!  Ick!  Nah, I'm going to find those shoes!  If you see me with a broken bone over the next few months...you'll know exactly what happened. 😏

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Not Mine.

 

Do you ever sit back and giggle a bit inside when you think about your life?!  I don't know that I typically giggle about it, but recently, I did. Because, you see, if someone would have told me 10 years ago that this is the life I would be living right now, I would have said 1) no way; 2) I don't think that's even possible. Ten years ago, I was happily married, had just moved into a new home, and pregnant with my son. Leah was an adorable 3 year old. Life was good. We were blessed with great jobs, good friends, and a happy little life. 

Fast forward to today and I'm divorced, living in the same house we built together, attempting to make it on my own, raising 2 incredible kids (but wondering and questioning my parenting every single day -- no pun intended with "single"), and trying to figure out what in the world my purpose really is in this life. And, so far, I'm more confused than ever as I attempt to figure it out. On the positive side of things, I still have a nice home, able to pay bills, a good job, and beyond blessed with an incredible family and friend support system. 

Yet...life is so different and NOT what I had planned. I know that's OK. I've come a very long way in the "anxiety" / control aspect of my life. Thank goodness. But, seriously, what choice do you have when your life has been flipped upside down and right-side up repeatedly?  You very quickly learn to go with the flow. Frankly, you don't have another option. 

In fact, as I sat at home a few nights ago - sort of chuckling at my seemingly odd life, I kept thinking "wow, this was NOT my plan"!  I even chuckled as I thought about God always knowing how my life would go, yet also knowing my personality, and watching it all unfold.  But, then, it hit me...nope, this wasn't my plan. But, it was ALWAYS God's plan. I still don't understand it and I'm still so incredibly impatient as I "wait" (or attempt to wait) for my purpose to be revealed. I don't know if I will ever understand any of it while living this earthly life. In fact, I frequently question if I will EVER see the "good" in it all.  Sure, there are things I'm grateful for, but it's HARD to see the long-term good when SO much as changed. 

So, as I sit here, I'm reminded that none of this is "mine." We are all living the life God has planned for us - whether it makes sense or not.  God's plan...not mine. God's will...not mine. God's timing...not mine. God's glory...not mine. Oh trust me...there are days I want it all to be MY plan, will, timing, and glory.  But then, I remember that God promises his plan is greater. 

I love this simple summary of Job's story in the Bible...

The story of Job (Job chapters 1 and 2)

Job was such a godly man that God used to boast about him, so much so that Satan wanted to test his faith. So with the permission of God, he took away Job’s health, wealth, and children. 

Ultimately Job was in so much pain and suffering that three of his friends came and sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights.

Even Job’s wife advised him to just curse God and die. But even in the most difficult times, Job didn’t get angry at God or curse him. Instead, he continued to have absolute trust in God and looked to him. He even rebuked his wife saying that we can’t only trust God during good times.

Ultimately, God restored Job’s family, health, and wealth, leaving him with more than he had before.

Life application: Job’s story teaches us that we shouldn’t just trust God when he’s doing great things in our lives – we should trust him when bad things happen too. This is because he loves us either way and is always working to use everything for our good. Remember, we are his even in death (Romans 14:8).

Clearly, God's plan is not obvious to me right now. I pray for the day that it is. I want to live for God's glory. I want to make HIM happy - not myself. (Something tells me that if God is happy with my life, I will inherently be happy, as well.) 

For now, I will attempt to live by the words "Not Mine". This isn't my life - or plan - or will - or glory - and certainly is not my timing.  But, it's God's - and I just have to trust that. Psalm 46:10 says it best... "Be still and know that I am God..." 

Two things I've always struggled with are now my reality... be still and not my plan, but God's.  The irony...yep, that makes me giggle just a bit.

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

From Checkboxes to Healing...I Hope.

 

Am I the only one that seems to have a continuous list of "things to-do"?  My mind (and life) is VERY check-list oriented. If I don't have a list, I am an anxious mess. If I do have a list - and it's longer than I think it should be, I'm an anxious mess. No matter the list I have, there is always more and more to be done. I may get 3 things crossed off the list, but then 4 more things seem to pop up that I need to do (or so it seems). I'm the MASTER at over-committing myself. This has gotten even more extreme since the divorce. I would rather do 10 things for an organization or someone else than 1 thing for myself.  I don't understand it. It's weird...and often maddening. However, I also think it's part of my healing. I don't want to do things at my house because I'm often reminded of what should have been, how much has changed (even if for the better), and - frankly - of memories I don't want to revisit (good or bad).

For me, divorce has been one of the most challenging processes in this crazy thing called life. Sure, college (for example), was challenging, but I LOVED it. Parenting was - and certainly still is - very challenging at times; however, it is also very rewarding. As long as I can get a "squeeze hug" from my kids, life is OK. 

Divorce...well...there is SO much involved. There are big, scary decisions that have to be made, so many unknowns, so many twists and turns, communication challenges, constant changes to your new life schedule, and a whole new routine to determine and work through. There are financial questions, home maintenance issues, and big girl decisions I didn't want to make on my own. There is the "guilt" you feel when you have to ask others for help. (UGH!) Then...there are the emotions...ALL OF THEM.  They seem to hit when you least expect it. And, sometimes, you have to hide every single emotion to maintain as "normal" of lifestyle as possible - especially for the kids. And then there is work...attempting to accomplish everything while your mind is constantly spinning in so many different directions. It's overwhelming. 

And...this is where I RUN...run to volunteer, run to help others, run to do something - anything - that doesn't involve facing reality. And, it worked for 2 years. Master at running...that's me. Clarification - I wish my form of running included the physical form - at least I would be in shape. Not the case. Bummer! ;) 

Now that the running has (sadly) subsided, reality has smacked me in the face. So much to do. So much I let slide. So much I ignored in an effort to just "not deal with it". The to-do list is longer than it ever should have gotten. I know this. But, that doesn't make it any easier to do, especially when it brings up so many emotions and things to process. Yuck!  Remember...I like to RUN - away from it all. 

Before this recent "you have to face reality" time period, I did SO many fun things. Now, I'm letting the to-do list dictate my life vs. enjoying life and finding joy in the little things (such as geocaching, going on a last-minute road trip, enjoying a drink with friends, etc). So, WHY? Why have I allowed myself to get sucked back into the constant "to-do" and the "oh, I can't, I'm busy" mentality? I could argue that is one of the reasons my marriage failed. I own that. Side note - that does NOT justify the actions of my ex. Nothing does. Period. I digress.

So, what's the solution? I don't know. 

Others have suggested dating. Not ready. Although, the loneliness of not having that "other person" can be maddening at times. But, that cannot be the reason I date...no need to fill the void that I haven't fully processed. 

Some have suggested exercise. Doing it!

How about just accomplishing the list? Trying to.

Find a hobby? Nah.

Doing things with friends? Constantly - SO grateful for every single one of them!

There is just something missing. And it's going to take HARD work to process, deal, and move on. It won't be fun - and hasn't been, but I hope it will be worth it.

I guess "healing" will stay on my to-do list for a long while. Maybe some day, I'll check it off. I hope so. I'm so grateful for those in my life who have encouraged me to face this stage of the process. It is ugly at times, but hopefully the good starts to outweigh the bad sooner than later. ✅ A girl can hope...right? 

Until next time...Kari [ xoxo ]

I miss "Normal", but then I Don't.

 

I've had this blog post written in my head for awhile now. I kept thinking I would snap out of it and get over my analytical view of every little thing, but no luck so far. 

Normal...

I miss having a "normal" life. I miss waking up my kids every morning and putting them to bed every night. I miss having the "normal" family - dad, mom, and kids. I miss the chaos of juggling schedules with someone else. I miss having that other adult to help parent and bounce ideas off of. I miss it. But, I don't miss it. 

How's that for confusing?!

There are SO many things I miss about my previously "normal" life.  It seemed easier, less dramatic, and, frankly, it worked for a long time. Until it didn't. Adultery ended my normal. Divorce...my "I will never" became my new reality. And, for awhile now, I think I've done an "OK" job handling it all.  The good, the bad, the ugly... I found my own groove and made it work. 

Over the past few months, however, the reality of the past (almost) 2 years really began to sink in.  I was dealing with so many emotions prior to this time. I was in survival mode. It was "yay, I made it through another week" mode. It was "I have no idea...I can't handle that right now" mode. It was "help others so I don't have to deal with my own stuff" mode. It was a time I gave myself a lot of grace and space. And, I was ok with that...because it was my only option. 

But, lately, things have changed. I seem to have "snapped out" of survival mode, but still catch myself going back there at times --- or, perhaps, wanting to go back there.  Frankly, it was easier in survival mode.  People understood (or it seemed that way).  Now, well, I seem to be aware of every little thing again.  No thanks.  I didn't miss these feelings. So many feelings of worrying what others think about x or y...is this person mad or annoyed with me?...oh no, this isn't perfect - I have to change it until it is...the insecurities are HIGH. I'm more aware, but don't want to be.

Weird...what I thought was the hardest time in my life had some benefits!  So...unexpected.

And now I'm in this super awkward place of figuring out where I fit in, if anywhere. My friends all have significant others or spouses. I don't want one. I have nothing to give another person. I'm still hurt (damaged) from my past. I have a lot of learning and growing to do.  I expect NO ONE to do that for me - or deal with me while these things happen. I refuse to allow anyone in to this mess. A friend just said to me the other day "ok, fine, do it all yourself, miss independent."  It was said to make a point...and what a point it made.  Why do I close myself off to people?  It's so much easier to just hide from the world / reality. 

Let me be clear - although the old "normal" seemed easier, I don't want it back. NO. I have learned so much about myself. And, well, I'm going to leave it at that for now. 

I wish this post was super inspirational or something, but it's not.  It's just how I feel right now...kind of in limbo...not sure where to go, what to do, what to think, how to feel.  So NOT normal. I want peace. A peace that surpasses all human understanding.  Yep...there's my answer...I've got to get back into the Word. I mean...realistically, God is the ONLY person that can figure this mess out for me.  And, even then...good luck with that! ;)  Kidding...I think...

One of the biggest things I've realized in all of this is that it's OK to allow yourself time. It's ok if you need space. It's ok if you don't want space. It's ok if you just sit and process for 5 minutes...or 4 hours. It's ok for YOU to do YOU...as long as you're glorifying God (or trying your best to do so). I still struggle with this some days...it literally takes others giving me permission sometimes. 

Enough rambling for now...time to figure out my new normal, if that's even possible.

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]