Fast forward to today and I'm divorced, living in the same house we built together, attempting to make it on my own, raising 2 incredible kids (but wondering and questioning my parenting every single day -- no pun intended with "single"), and trying to figure out what in the world my purpose really is in this life. And, so far, I'm more confused than ever as I attempt to figure it out. On the positive side of things, I still have a nice home, able to pay bills, a good job, and beyond blessed with an incredible family and friend support system.
Yet...life is so different and NOT what I had planned. I know that's OK. I've come a very long way in the "anxiety" / control aspect of my life. Thank goodness. But, seriously, what choice do you have when your life has been flipped upside down and right-side up repeatedly? You very quickly learn to go with the flow. Frankly, you don't have another option.
In fact, as I sat at home a few nights ago - sort of chuckling at my seemingly odd life, I kept thinking "wow, this was NOT my plan"! I even chuckled as I thought about God always knowing how my life would go, yet also knowing my personality, and watching it all unfold. But, then, it hit me...nope, this wasn't my plan. But, it was ALWAYS God's plan. I still don't understand it and I'm still so incredibly impatient as I "wait" (or attempt to wait) for my purpose to be revealed. I don't know if I will ever understand any of it while living this earthly life. In fact, I frequently question if I will EVER see the "good" in it all. Sure, there are things I'm grateful for, but it's HARD to see the long-term good when SO much as changed.
So, as I sit here, I'm reminded that none of this is "mine." We are all living the life God has planned for us - whether it makes sense or not. God's plan...not mine. God's will...not mine. God's timing...not mine. God's glory...not mine. Oh trust me...there are days I want it all to be MY plan, will, timing, and glory. But then, I remember that God promises his plan is greater.
I love this simple summary of Job's story in the Bible...
The story of Job (Job chapters 1 and 2)
Job was such a godly man that God used to boast about him, so much so that Satan wanted to test his faith. So with the permission of God, he took away Job’s health, wealth, and children.
Ultimately Job was in so much pain and suffering that three of his friends came and sat with him in silence for seven days and seven nights.
Even Job’s wife advised him to just curse God and die. But even in the most difficult times, Job didn’t get angry at God or curse him. Instead, he continued to have absolute trust in God and looked to him. He even rebuked his wife saying that we can’t only trust God during good times.
Ultimately, God restored Job’s family, health, and wealth, leaving him with more than he had before.
Life application: Job’s story teaches us that we shouldn’t just trust God when he’s doing great things in our lives – we should trust him when bad things happen too. This is because he loves us either way and is always working to use everything for our good. Remember, we are his even in death (Romans 14:8).
Clearly, God's plan is not obvious to me right now. I pray for the day that it is. I want to live for God's glory. I want to make HIM happy - not myself. (Something tells me that if God is happy with my life, I will inherently be happy, as well.)
For now, I will attempt to live by the words "Not Mine". This isn't my life - or plan - or will - or glory - and certainly is not my timing. But, it's God's - and I just have to trust that. Psalm 46:10 says it best... "Be still and know that I am God..."
Two things I've always struggled with are now my reality... be still and not my plan, but God's. The irony...yep, that makes me giggle just a bit.
Until next time...Kari [xoxo]
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