- Ugly.
- Disappointing.
- Sad.
- Painful.
- Unbelievably hurtful.
- Oddly refreshing.
- Somewhat freeing.
- Nothing I ever thought I'd experience. But, here I am.
Some days are good. Others are even really good. Then, there are the bad days and the really ugly days. There are days in between when complacency is a victory and survival seems heroic. There are happy tears and sad tears. There is that ugly cry - you know, the one where you can't catch your breath and feel like screaming for hours on end, but you can't because the lump in your throat is too big to even speak? Yes, that one. Then there are the panic attacks that you never realized were panic attacks until someone told you. Praise the Lord those have subsided. But, the tingly fingers and toes, the gasping for air, the physical shaking...it's just bad and ugly. {Side note: find that friend who will sit with you on the sidewalk outside of your church when you have an all out attack. Let her hold you until the shaking stops or the feelings return to your extremities. It's ok. She loves you. But, find that friend...she's priceless.} There are the night sweats when you're unknowingly overcome with fear and anxiety. I'm not going to sugarcoat it...it is hard. And, so far, it hasn't gotten any easier. The challenges have just changed and morphed into new challenges. I will be forever grateful to a friend who said, "Kari, it won't ever get easier. You will just learn to deal with it." She is so correct. And I'm grateful for her honesty and bluntness.
Today is a particularly bad day. It just is. I will spare the details for now, but when you see your children hurt and affected in ways they never should be, a whole new pain fills your body. It just doesn't seem "fair." And it's not. Not for them.
At the same time, today is a good day because my kids are with me! I absolutely love spending time with them. They are incredible kids that I will do every little thing in my power to love and build them up during this crazy time. More on them in the future...
100 days...a million different emotions...all because of 1 decision that changed our lives forever. For now, I pray that it will be for the good. That's what they tell me anyway..."it will all work out, Kari." Good grief, I hope so...because the road I'm on seems awfully treacherous and endless.
Until next time... Kari [xoxo]
Kari, this is priceless. Your honesty. Your transparency. Your gut-wrenchingly real-ness (if that's a word). I firmly believe this is going to help so many people - especially YOU. It's therapeutic to journal like this. To share your vulnerability - now THAT is strength. And I know where your strength lies - in Jesus! And your friend is right. My cousin once said you never get over a death. You just adjust. Divorce is its own form of death. Keep on adjusting! YFGT
ReplyDeleteLove you, girl!!
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ReplyDeleteKari, having been through this process, and it is a process, I can tell you that you will get through it. Well, maybe not through it, sometimes it's over it, around it, under it -- whatever it takes. Take care of yourself first so you can take care of your kids. Life goes on, and you and your kids will be stronger for it. When I met Jim, neither of us wanted to get married again. More aptly, I think neither of us wanted to be that vulnerable again. However, the only thing that would have been more stupid would have been not to give our blended family the ability to see what a good adult relationship was like so they could model it. Our kids that have married have made great choices!
DeleteI'm not pushing you to get into a relationship. I would encourage you not to make any life-altering decisions for a year or so to heal and figure out what is important to you--what makes you happy and content. Act intentionally on what's important, and everything else will fall into place.