One of my favorite parts of the "new year" has always been starting a new planner! (To be specific, I can only function with a Blue Sky monthly/weekly calendar.) I have (embarrassingly) tried a ridiculous number of other planners. But, Blue Sky always wins. During September of every year, I "get" to order my new planner so it's ready for January. I have historically celebrated 1) getting the planner and 2) "Happy New Planner Day" (aka January 1). This year was no different...it was definitely a "Happy New Planner Day" - the start of something new, a clean slate, and a chance to reassign colors for each of us (yes, we each have our own color so I can keep things straight in my brain).
This year was different -- I was getting rid of the planner that included legal meetings, joint stipulation deadlines, and the first schedule of my shared custody arrangement. I forgot to write down birthdays, work stuff, and important dates because the unexpected - and certainly unplanned - divorce suddenly took over every little detail. Throwing away my 2021 planner was down right exciting. The year 2022 would be so much better...or so I hoped. Reality hit when I realized every single day of 2022 is scheduled for my kids and where they will / should be. Every single day is marked with a dark pink "Kari" or a blue "____". I cut out our holiday schedule from the joint stipulation and taped in the back of my planner. Seriously, I should be focusing on birthdays, games, practices, events, work stuff, etc...not my darn custody agreement! And then, that's when it hit...I was reminded that I don't "get" to see MY kids any time I want. I have to "let them go" and live somewhere else for 50% of the year. Even more importantly, I turned my thoughts to how the kids must feel. They will be tossed back and forth constantly. Instead of worrying about what homework is due and when, they worry about whether or not they need to pack their "sleep bag" for the next morning or not. They have to think about their week and if they have any practices...does the correct parent have the correct sports bag? It sucks.
Now, I know what you're thinking... "Kids are resilient. They will adjust. They will handle it better than you expect." And, honestly, maybe that is correct. But, darn it - they shouldn't have to! As if the kids don't have enough to worry about...now they have to live two different places, feel a whole host of new pressures and responsibilities, and try to keep up on everything else in life. I catch myself screaming "It's NOT fair" in my mind more frequently than I care to admit. And, why? Because a marriage ended. Because the man I thought I loved decided to move on. Because there was something "better" out there. Because, as humans, we tend to chase happiness and think we "deserve to be happy" versus thinking about the impact our choices and decisions may have on those around us.
Yes, today is a "frustrated" day...a day where I want it all to go away and let my kids be kids again! They deserve that! So, today, when I pick them up from school, we are going to go home and have fun. We might get McDonald's and/or play a game. We will go to our Church's Awana program tonight. We may even sit in the hot tub so we can have our "chat time." And, then, I will (finally) be able to hug and kiss them good night and tell them I love them in person. I will probably lay awake and watch their precious faces sleep for a few minutes before I fall asleep. And, I will be ever so grateful that - for the short time they're asleep - they aren't thinking about the "big D" (as my son calls it), whose house they will be at the next day, if they have everything they need from Dad's house, etc. Their mind will finally get to rest...until the morning when they start thinking about it all over again.
If you are divorced and have shared custody, I get it. It's hard. Know that you aren't alone.
If you are married and considering a divorce, please reconsider. Please go get counseling. Please think - HARD - about the impact this decision could have on those around you. Try couples counseling. Talk to each other and try to work with your spouse to find a path forward together. Communicate with each other.
While I truly believe I will (eventually) be better off because of my divorce (at least that's what everyone tells me), it doesn't make it any easier for the kids. I can promise you that I will do my absolute best to help the kids transition throughout this new hand they've been dealt.
I must admit...I still love my new planner, even with the custody schedule. Maybe - just maybe - 2022 will be a year of new beginnings, positive changes, and one incredibly organized planner. I'm going to guess I will still face plenty of challenges, but perhaps I will be able to handle them better than I may have in the past. Perhaps my tribe of friends will continue to carry me/us through the tough times and hopefully, I will be able to start to give back just a fraction of what's been given to me in return. Yes, we'll go with that...for now!
Until next time... Kari [xoxo]
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