It's just an "Ugh" Day...for now.

(Bet you want to keep reading after that intro, huh?!)

Today's is Gage's 8th birthday!  I am so excited to see them after school!  I can't wait to "squeeze hug" both of them to the point they are annoyed and do the whole "Mom, stop" routine with the preteen eye roll from Leah and the grunt from Gage. Truly, I am so excited to spend time with them!!

The last 18 hours have been hard - emotionally draining and just exhausting.  And, it's a wave I didn't see coming.  So, yes, UGH! If you know anything about me, you know I don't like the unexpected. (Cue Kari's breaking point and that darn ugly cry again.)  If I'm completely transparent with myself, I know I am just throwing myself a pity party.  I hate those!!  It's really hard to bring yourself up out of the downward spiral when those hit. Some of the challenges I've struggled with since last night include:

1) My son is turning 8 and I don't get to wake him up and yell "Happy Birthday!" to him like I do to the kids each year. 

2) I don't get to be loud, obnoxious, and overly excited for him while he's trying to open his eyes.  

3) It's his BIRTHday. The day I gave BIRTH to him. And, he's not with me until 4:00.  

Pause - disclaimer time: Please know I'm incredibly grateful that I do get to spend some time with him on his birthday!  And, I realize some parents don't get that...ever again.  I am not trying to be insensitive to that at all / in any way whatsoever!  This blog is just me - going through a divorce - that's it. Resuming...

4) I miss our family today. Maybe that sounds weird considering the circumstances, but I do. I miss our happy little family of 4 celebrating the day Gage completed our family (or, so I thought).  How do I deal with the fact that our family would change forever just a few years after I thought it was complete?  How do I accept this new normal and keep going?  I truly do miss our family. I miss having that other person I trusted and loved. I miss being able to bounce ideas off each other and/or tag-teaming parenting duties.  Heck, I even miss the disagreements. I miss the random text asking "what do we have going on tonight?" I miss my person...I miss our family. Perhaps even more challenging for me right now are the constant questions... What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? How could I have prevented this?  Do I deserve this? What if I never find anyone else again?  What is God's plan with all this?  Will God use this mess and turn it into a message?  If so, the sooner, the better...please and thank you! Where do I go from here? And, the one I struggle with the most - by far - WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?  Today is just hard. I have so many unanswered questions that I don't think I'll likely ever answer. It's not fair, but life isn't fair.  I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier some days.  

5) As birthdays come around, I look back at pictures and see the happy times. I see the smiles. I see the pure joy and innocence of the kids. I see the sleepless nights that meant never-ending cuddles. I see all the times they were sick and I got to take care of them.  I see the hard times and the amazing times. No matter what, it was always OK because we were together.  And now...we're not. 

Today has been brutal.  It's one of those days I want to drive home and crawl in bed for hours. It's ok to have these moments, but I know I can't (and won't) stay this way.  It's just an "Ugh" day...for now.

I will keep going and we will make memories tonight...new memories and maybe even new traditions. And, once the kids are asleep in my home, all will be OK. It will. I just have to get over this little road block and see the bigger picture. I know this, but sometimes, we just need an "Ugh" moment...and that's OK (I think).

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]