This is not one of my more eloquent writings. If I'm honest, it's a bit all over the place. But, that's pretty much how my mind has been lately so I'm leaving it. I've let it sit awhile now and I could change it to make it sound "better," but I'm intentionally not going to. My purpose of writing is to be raw and real...this post proves just that...
If we are Facebook friends, you know I've had a rough few weeks. I don't know why. I can't explain it. And, I definitely don't want to talk about it. At least not in person or right now. It's just been hard. I've been angry, frustrated, sad, crushed, and everything in between. I've felt the hurt over and over again. When they say "emotions will come in waves" during and after a divorce, they aren't kidding. I thought I was past the anger. I thought I was past the sad part. The truth is...over the past few months, there have been "issues" that have come up that took priority over dealing with my own emotions. When a fire was lit that needed to be put out, that was my sole focus. When that flame was extinguished, another seemed to quickly ignite. Again, my focus was on "putting out the fires." What I didn't realize at the time was that those "fires" were masking my feelings and emotions of the actual divorce. That's not a bad thing! The issues that arose needed my full attention - and got it. But now that the smoke is starting to clear a little, the pain of the divorce seems to be swooping back in like a buzzard that finds roadkill. Seriously - it's been that "extreme." Last week, it took everything I had to get out of bed. Literally...I wanted so badly to stay in bed and sleep life away. Even on a night when I had my kids, I had to run to my closet to cry. It made no sense...if I have my kids, I'm usually on cloud 9. Not last week. I should pause here and say that I KNOW a large reason for this "funk" is my lack of exercise and my "all you can see and eat" lifestyle. I need to get back on track...and I will. Please don't tell me how much it will help. I am already very much aware of it. Sometimes, it's easier to eat the crap and be lazy than it is to do the work. I will get back to doing the work. Maybe I needed to crash in order to really realize and believe the benefits of clean eating and exercise?! Let's go with that for now.
{Also: Before anyone freaks out here: Yes, I'm on depression and anxiety medicines and have a great relationship with my family doctor. Taking more isn't an option. I'm surrounded by incredible friends who keep pretty close tabs on me. You know who you are...thank you. In fact, one specific friend texts me almost daily between 5:30 am & 5:45 am. She is often the reason I get my butt up in the morning. God has blessed me with some amazing friends and family. More on that in the future...I've got some incredible stories about just how awesome they are!}
Nevertheless, as hard as I tried to "hide" the emotions from the kids, I know they saw it. And, I hate that. I really do. They are dealing with enough stuff on their own to also have to deal with Mom being snippy and cranky at times. {Another side note - my kids are the BEST. I'm so grateful for both of them. They may roll their eyes when I ask for the 10th hug of the day, but they do it anyway. They are smart, funny, lovable, and incredibly intuitive. Thank goodness for those two - I would be a blubbering mess without them. Thank you, God, for both of them!}
Saturday morning, I made a to-do list for each of us and then a list for "all" of us. "All" included a movie night, playing a game, church on Sunday, etc. As Sunday afternoon rolled around, my daughter reminded me that we hadn't had our movie night. I told her to find one to watch and we would. Despite our valiant attempt, we couldn't convince my son to watch any movie with us. However, he did enjoy his own Harry Potter entertainment.
My daughter picked out a movie on PureFlix called, "The Perfect Race." Her and I LOVE true, Christian stories based around sports. And, that's exactly what this movie is about...a college runner trying to win Nationals. She is thrown a curveball when her coach has to step back for medical reasons - and the "fill-in" coach takes a completely different approach to help her win, which doesn't seems logical to her. {Spoiler alert...she wins Nationals and gives the medal to her ill coach. It was a great movie.}
Here's the crazy "God sign"... About half way through the movie, there was a quick conversation about divorce. Prior to this random conversation, there was not one single mention of divorce. In fact, there was NOTHING in the movie that really even dealt with parents. But, this quick exchange was an eye opener for us:
Scene: The athletes are standing around in the office of all the coaches as it pours down rain outside. One runner asks the coach if she's going to make another runner run in the rain. When she answered "yes," the following conversation took place (as quoted from the movie):
Chris: It's pouring. That's ridiculous. Why would you run in the rain?"
Coach: Do you really want to know?
Chris: Sure.
Coach: Seriously, do you really want to know?
Chris: Yeah.
Coach: Can I ask you - are your parents together or divorced?
Chris: They're together.
Coach: Anyone else here have parents that are divorced?
(Several athletes raise their hands.)
Coach: Yeah, mine too. Anybody here with their hand up wish that never would have happened?
(Athletes with hands raised keep hands raised.)
Coach: Chances are you're all going to get married someday. You'll pledge to make a commitment for life and there will come a day in your marriage when you will experience rain. And you're going to have a really big decision to make. You can choose to do the easy thing like our parents did and get divorced or you can choose to stay together in the rain. It's really easy to run when the weather is nice. It's easy to follow the Lord when everything is good. What about when it's not? It's not fun to run in the rain and it's not easy to follow the Lord when nothing is going right and you're wondering where God is. But, regardless of the conditions, you still run. And, regardless of the circumstances, you still follow. That why we run in the rain.
-- End Quote. --
WOW. Isn't that a mic drop moment? It was for us (and maybe you if you're reading this). It brought the tears -- and more hugs (hugs are good)! But, it stopped me in my tracks. I was getting frustrated with God last week...Why the pain?! Make it stop! I'm exhausted! Someone told me after our divorce, "you are not the first or last to get a divorce..." (what continued after that statement was not kind). But, just those few words have stuck with me. Nope, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. But, I never expected to be a statistic. Why? Because I was willing to run in the freaking rain. In fact, I did run in the rain numerous times in my marriage. There were several times I could have easily justified throwing in the towel and "quitting". But, I didn't. I put on my gosh darn shoes and ran in the rain. Because, I agree with the movie... regardless of the conditions, you still run. {Pause...there are justifiable reasons to get a divorce, but I don't believe finding someone else who makes you 'happier' is justifiable. You have the right to disagree with me...it's cool.} MOST importantly, regardless of the circumstances, you still follow God when conditions are brutal. You still follow God when the world is crashing down around you. For me, the questioning has to stop. The "whys" are justified and completely understandable. But, the reality is that we don't know His master plan. We have to keep following. We have to keep running in the rain. We have to believe that His plan is greater than we could ever begin to imagine. That certainly doesn't make it easy. And, it certainly isn't fun. But, maybe it will be worth it?! Maybe. And, if encouraging someone to run in the rain saves a marriage on the brink of divorce, then I will run with them. Refuse to take the easy way out. Do the work and make it count. But, ultimately, keep running to God. Always. It can and will be hard, but He promises us that it will be worth it.
I'm running in the rain...run with me!
Until next time... Kari [xoxo]
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