Finding Joy in the Silence

The last week has been weird. My emotions have been ALL over the place. I've gone from angry...to sad...very sad...to happy...to fine...to decent...back to angry...down right depressed...sad...grateful...and everything in between (whatever that means)!  Last week, I wrote seven words on a sticky note - all of which described how I was feeling.  I wish I never would have thrown it away because, of course, I can't remember all of them.  A few of the words were:

• Exhausted (mentally and emotionally)
• Heavy (as in "weight of the world on my shoulders" heavy)
• Overwhelmed
• Irritated

At the same time, I knew I should be happy. It's one thing to be sad because you have a reason to be sad.  But, I get very annoyed with myself when I should be happy and can't get there. After all, I have my kids for 11 days in a row. YAY!!  Custody changes go in a cycle for me...I am absolutely elated and on cloud 9 when I get the kids back. After the adrenaline wears off and I'm caught up on hugs, I begin to see the reality of everything again.  Sometimes, that looks like happiness - other times, it's expressed as frustration, anger, and rage. It's the "emotional dump."  And, as much as I would love to say that it's "just the kids" that experience an emotional release, it's not. It's me, too. 

Last week, there were circumstances that just flat HURT. I will never understand how everything can seem so "perfect" for others, but so painful and gut-wrenching for the other "side." It simply makes no sense to me. And, why doesn't it just stop? I want the waves to STOP. 

And then, we have Easter...another holiday. Not only another holiday, but an anniversary-of-sorts that was the beginning of the end (I just didn't know it at the time). Despite the JOY of Christ's resurrection and the celebration of the empty tomb, I felt empty. Empty - with no offsetting celebration. That's just how I felt. 

For clarification - I AM SO DANG HAPPY TO HAVE MY KIDS - TO SNUGGLE, TO GET HUGS, TO TALK, TO LISTEN, TO BAKE, TO PLAY. THESE DAYS ARE THE BEST.  But, despite my best efforts, sometimes the internal feelings / battles don't just go away even though such GREATNESS is right in front of me.

As I was really struggling to understand how and why I felt the way I did, a friend shared this with me and it hit...hard. 

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The Silence of Saturday - by Max Lucado

Jesus is silent on Saturday.  The women have anointed his body and placed it in Joseph’s tomb.  The cadaver of Christ is as mute as the stone which guards it.  He spoke much on Friday. He will liberate the slaves of death on Sunday.  But on Saturday, Jesus is silent.

So is God.  He made himself heard on Friday.  He tore the curtains of the temple, opened the graves of the dead, rocked the earth, blocked the sun of the sky, and sacrificed the Son of Heaven.  Earth heard much of God on Friday.

Nothing on Saturday.  Jesus is silent.  God is silent.  Saturday is silent.

Easter weekend discussions tend to skip Saturday.  Friday and Sunday get the press.  The crucifixion and resurrection command our thoughts.  But don’t ignore Saturday.  You have them, too.

Silent Saturdays.  The day between the struggle and the solution; the question and the answer; the offered prayer and the answer thereof.

Saturday’s silence torments us.  Is God angry?  Did I disappoint him? God knows Jesus is in the tomb, why doesn’t He do something?  Or, in your case God knows your career is in the tank, your finances are in the pit, your marriage is in a mess. Why doesn’t He act?  What are you supposed to do until He does?

You do what Jesus did.  Lie still.  Stay silent.  Trust God.  Jesus died with this conviction: “You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay” (Acts 2:27 NIV).

Jesus knew God would not leave him alone in the grave.  You need to know, God will not leave you alone with your struggles.  His silence is not his absence, inactivity is never apathy.  Saturdays have their purpose. They let us feel the full force of God’s strength. Had God raised Jesus fifteen minutes after the death of His son, would we have appreciated the act? Were He to solve your problems the second they appear, would you appreciate His strength?

For His reasons, God inserts a Saturday between our Fridays and Sundays.  If today is one for you, be patient.  As one who endured the silent Saturday wrote:  “Be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord” (James 5:7 NKJV).

© Max Lucado, 2013

The Silence of Saturday - Max Lucado

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I was - and still am - living in a Saturday.  I'm in a season where I feel lost, alone (at times), confused, and as though I am walking around aimlessly. (Wait...walking around aimlessly isn't that odd for me! Haha!) 

I want Saturday to end. I want to see the victory...the celebration...experience the joy. I'm tired of waiting. As Lucado says, "Saturday's silence torments us."  YES!  Yes, it really does.

While I'm still in the Saturday season, my daughter stopped me in my tracks yesterday with a text message.  We had a frustrating moment yesterday afternoon. One of those things where we just looked at each other and said, "what the heck?! Really? Make it stop!" In true Leah fashion, within about 30 minutes of this, she sent me the following Bible verse:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. - James 1: 2-3

Read it again...consider it PURE JOY!  As I sit here desperately longing for the Sunday, my 11 year-old daughter sends me a Bible verse that reminds us to consider our trials "pure joy." Well there's a twist!  That is now my goal...to find JOY through this period of silence...to find JOY in the pain...the find JOY in the trials. I know it won't be easy, but He promises it will be worth it. I strive to no longer hope in God's plan, but be confident and TRUST His plan. That is my prayer...for both you...and me. 💗

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Enough for Me

 

As I was driving home tonight, a song I had never heard came on the radio. At first, I only caught the chorus... 

"We don't get to see the whole picture,

We don't get to see the whole thing, 

We just get a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and not the in-betweens..."

So, of course, I quickly googled these few lines to listen to the full song. Take 3 minutes to listen...

Futures - Hills & Horizons

I have been FRUSTRATED lately. So frustrated. I miss the family dynamic. Yes, I am well aware that a single parent and two children can be and IS a family. I get it. But, it's not the way I have internally defined family for so many years. And, I miss that life. 

Pause right here and hear me clearly: I am learning to NOT miss the environment / circumstances I didn't realize I was living in; however, releasing the insanely tight grip I held on with for so many years has proven to be extremely difficult. I don't just give up. That's not me. I fight like heck even when - maybe - I shouldn't. To many on the "outside" of all of this, it may seem like I should be able to just toss my marriage out the window since that is what others have clearly done. And, somedays, I want to - I truly want to be able to do that. But, I guess I've always believed that you don't just give up. You fight like hell, you work your butt off, you stay in until you have exhausted all possibilities - and, even then, a miracle from God is always possible. Thus, despite being legally divorced for almost seven months, letting go and accepting the "loss" remains to be a challenge for me. 

Nonetheless, the reality of the situation seems to be hitting me harder than ever lately. I am lonely, but don't want to be around people or talk about it. I am angry. So angry. The anger actually comes from so much more than just the divorce. It comes from the ripple effects of the situation. It is HARD to watch others hurt as a result of a situation you had/have absolutely no control over. For the record, when you like to be in control of situations, don't get a divorce. It's like holding your child's hand at a huge park packed with thousands of people and having to let go - with no way of knowing where they are going or what they will see, do, experience while outside of your care and protection. And, when they finally do return to you, you still have no idea what they really saw - good, bad, or otherwise. 

In addition to all of this, I can't help but wonder - WHY? What will my future look like? Why can't it look the way I want it to? Why do I have to be so dang patient? God, you didn't give me patience for a reason...for gravy sakes, don't make me find it now! (Insert God's sense of humor here...I can only imagine what he's thinking...) And, for the record, please don't tell me that everything will be better some day. Don't tell me that I deserve better and I will get that some day. You don't know that. And, honestly, with my track record, I tend to think the good Lord wants to just keep throwing challenges at me. Seriously. 

Because of these intense emotions lately, this song hit home for me. "Lately, I've been through all the ups and downs...it's crazy; everything feels so different now...maybe I wasn't meant to understand. All of the hills and horizons I've seen, over and over and over again. We don't get to see the whole picture...we don't get to see the whole thing...we just get a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and not the in-betweens." 

The lyrics continue... "Valleys, learning to love the lonely road...you lead me, breaking the cycles in my mind...trusting, it's always worth it in the end....Oh, I know I need to let go so I will hold on to you."

YES! This. Learning, breaking, trusting...letting go and holding on to Him... This is what I long for - what I strive to be able to do. One of the largest challenges I have to date is "trusting." To be hurt so deeply by not one, but two individuals you fully trusted and confided in, is brutal. Historically, I've always been a trusting person. And, I want to be that again - maybe. But, right now...NOPE! How could I honestly trust anyone?! 

I'm trying to let go...one of my greatest weaknesses. I want to hold on to my faith and God's plan...I really do.  But, it's HARD. If you wish, pray for me to be able to do this. To fully trust in Him and Him alone. The ability to do this would allow for the last verse of the song to be true...

"I don't need to see the whole picture, I don't need to see the whole thing, I'll just take a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and trust the in-betweens, that's enough for me." 

Read that again. 

Wow...trusting the in-betweens...not needing to see "it all," but having the confidence that it's ENOUGH for me. 

And, if you're still reading...it's enough for you, too. As much as I want to resist trusting again, isn't that the only way we can truly begin to heal and move forward from the pain and hurt? Letting go and holding on to HIM is the answer. We can doubt, be angry, pout, cry, be sad...that's all ok (and perhaps even necessary), but ultimately, I have to hold my hands up and know that God's got me - and YOU. He does. As much as we want to see the whole picture, what if what we can't currently see will make the whole picture that much more special and meaningful in the end? What if the in-betweens are writing our story more beautifully than we could ever write it ourselves?!  

For now, that's my hope. And, I'm trying to find peace in His promises - and the faith to trust that it truly is ENOUGH for me.

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend...

 

Diamond's are a girl's best friend....or so they say...

Since my divorce, I have missed wearing my wedding ring. There are days I open my jewelry cabinet and there it is...staring at me. I love my ring - it represented our family, a sense of pride I had, and a symbol of love and commitment. For 15 years, it represented my marriage...the ups, downs, and everything in between. It had Play-Doh, dirt, slime, and who knows what else once stuck in the grooves and prongs. It has been through a lot. But, I loved that ring for what it represented and the memories made while committed to my marriage and family. To me, the ring / diamond wasn't a prized possession because of the diamond quality - or how big it was, but because it told a story - a story that I once cherished. 

I remember taking my ring off when I knew it was all over. I remember putting it in my jewelry cabinet, knowing I would never wear it again. It made me sad. And, to this day, every time I see it, I still get sad and feel hurt. However, I truly do value the ring and the memories made - much the same way I value my failed marriage. I will always appreciate the lessons learned, good times, hard times, and happy times we had. I can choose to focus on the ending - or choose to embrace the in-between and remember the "good" times. 

Following the blow of "the news" in July / August, 2021, I found out what a panic attack was. I was scared out of my mind, hurt like never before, devastated, and beyond confused. During one particular conversation, a friend asked if I prayed without ceasing. I responded with something like "that sounds like a great idea, but no...not sure that's even possible." My friend went on to suggest that we should try to pray as much as possible throughout the day - and also focus on those things that we are grateful for. Great idea...but, is it really possible right now?! In an effort to try to implement this great "idea," I made a sheet of labels that has 16 diamonds on each label. The diamond was just a random "symbol" I found to use...it had no meaning, other than to serve as a sort of check-box for each prayer. My thought was to fill in the diamonds with each prayer I said as the day progressed. 

{{ I should pause here and say that, despite this plan, I'm still not a great consistent prayer warrior. This is one area of my life I strongly desire to improve upon and become more focused on in my faith journey. }}

Nonetheless, as I was putting on labels for this week, I suddenly realized the irony of the diamond. Maybe a diamond really is a girl's best friend. But, not the hard mineral type of diamond.  Rather, a diamond that serves as a symbol of prayer and connection with God is a girl's best friend.  Yes. That. 

I don't need a rock to remind me of my earthly blessings / challenges. But, I do need a strong relationship with God to keep me grounded and growing in faith. And, one way that can happen is through prayer.

On particularly challenging days, my friend is great about saying, "Hey, did you fill in your diamonds today?" In other words, go to God...talk to HIM.

Fill in those diamonds today, friends. God's got us - even when it may not seem like it. 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]