As I was driving home tonight, a song I had never heard came on the radio. At first, I only caught the chorus...
"We don't get to see the whole picture,
We don't get to see the whole thing,
We just get a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and not the in-betweens..."
So, of course, I quickly googled these few lines to listen to the full song. Take 3 minutes to listen...
I have been FRUSTRATED lately. So frustrated. I miss the family dynamic. Yes, I am well aware that a single parent and two children can be and IS a family. I get it. But, it's not the way I have internally defined family for so many years. And, I miss that life.
Pause right here and hear me clearly: I am learning to NOT miss the environment / circumstances I didn't realize I was living in; however, releasing the insanely tight grip I held on with for so many years has proven to be extremely difficult. I don't just give up. That's not me. I fight like heck even when - maybe - I shouldn't. To many on the "outside" of all of this, it may seem like I should be able to just toss my marriage out the window since that is what others have clearly done. And, somedays, I want to - I truly want to be able to do that. But, I guess I've always believed that you don't just give up. You fight like hell, you work your butt off, you stay in until you have exhausted all possibilities - and, even then, a miracle from God is always possible. Thus, despite being legally divorced for almost seven months, letting go and accepting the "loss" remains to be a challenge for me.
Nonetheless, the reality of the situation seems to be hitting me harder than ever lately. I am lonely, but don't want to be around people or talk about it. I am angry. So angry. The anger actually comes from so much more than just the divorce. It comes from the ripple effects of the situation. It is HARD to watch others hurt as a result of a situation you had/have absolutely no control over. For the record, when you like to be in control of situations, don't get a divorce. It's like holding your child's hand at a huge park packed with thousands of people and having to let go - with no way of knowing where they are going or what they will see, do, experience while outside of your care and protection. And, when they finally do return to you, you still have no idea what they really saw - good, bad, or otherwise.
In addition to all of this, I can't help but wonder - WHY? What will my future look like? Why can't it look the way I want it to? Why do I have to be so dang patient? God, you didn't give me patience for a reason...for gravy sakes, don't make me find it now! (Insert God's sense of humor here...I can only imagine what he's thinking...) And, for the record, please don't tell me that everything will be better some day. Don't tell me that I deserve better and I will get that some day. You don't know that. And, honestly, with my track record, I tend to think the good Lord wants to just keep throwing challenges at me. Seriously.
Because of these intense emotions lately, this song hit home for me. "Lately, I've been through all the ups and downs...it's crazy; everything feels so different now...maybe I wasn't meant to understand. All of the hills and horizons I've seen, over and over and over again. We don't get to see the whole picture...we don't get to see the whole thing...we just get a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and not the in-betweens."
The lyrics continue... "Valleys, learning to love the lonely road...you lead me, breaking the cycles in my mind...trusting, it's always worth it in the end....Oh, I know I need to let go so I will hold on to you."
YES! This. Learning, breaking, trusting...letting go and holding on to Him... This is what I long for - what I strive to be able to do. One of the largest challenges I have to date is "trusting." To be hurt so deeply by not one, but two individuals you fully trusted and confided in, is brutal. Historically, I've always been a trusting person. And, I want to be that again - maybe. But, right now...NOPE! How could I honestly trust anyone?!
I'm trying to let go...one of my greatest weaknesses. I want to hold on to my faith and God's plan...I really do. But, it's HARD. If you wish, pray for me to be able to do this. To fully trust in Him and Him alone. The ability to do this would allow for the last verse of the song to be true...
"I don't need to see the whole picture, I don't need to see the whole thing, I'll just take a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and trust the in-betweens, that's enough for me."
Read that again.
Wow...trusting the in-betweens...not needing to see "it all," but having the confidence that it's ENOUGH for me.
And, if you're still reading...it's enough for you, too. As much as I want to resist trusting again, isn't that the only way we can truly begin to heal and move forward from the pain and hurt? Letting go and holding on to HIM is the answer. We can doubt, be angry, pout, cry, be sad...that's all ok (and perhaps even necessary), but ultimately, I have to hold my hands up and know that God's got me - and YOU. He does. As much as we want to see the whole picture, what if what we can't currently see will make the whole picture that much more special and meaningful in the end? What if the in-betweens are writing our story more beautifully than we could ever write it ourselves?!
For now, that's my hope. And, I'm trying to find peace in His promises - and the faith to trust that it truly is ENOUGH for me.
Until next time... Kari [xoxo]
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