Finding Joy in the Silence

The last week has been weird. My emotions have been ALL over the place. I've gone from angry...to sad...very sad...to happy...to fine...to decent...back to angry...down right depressed...sad...grateful...and everything in between (whatever that means)!  Last week, I wrote seven words on a sticky note - all of which described how I was feeling.  I wish I never would have thrown it away because, of course, I can't remember all of them.  A few of the words were:

• Exhausted (mentally and emotionally)
• Heavy (as in "weight of the world on my shoulders" heavy)
• Overwhelmed
• Irritated

At the same time, I knew I should be happy. It's one thing to be sad because you have a reason to be sad.  But, I get very annoyed with myself when I should be happy and can't get there. After all, I have my kids for 11 days in a row. YAY!!  Custody changes go in a cycle for me...I am absolutely elated and on cloud 9 when I get the kids back. After the adrenaline wears off and I'm caught up on hugs, I begin to see the reality of everything again.  Sometimes, that looks like happiness - other times, it's expressed as frustration, anger, and rage. It's the "emotional dump."  And, as much as I would love to say that it's "just the kids" that experience an emotional release, it's not. It's me, too. 

Last week, there were circumstances that just flat HURT. I will never understand how everything can seem so "perfect" for others, but so painful and gut-wrenching for the other "side." It simply makes no sense to me. And, why doesn't it just stop? I want the waves to STOP. 

And then, we have Easter...another holiday. Not only another holiday, but an anniversary-of-sorts that was the beginning of the end (I just didn't know it at the time). Despite the JOY of Christ's resurrection and the celebration of the empty tomb, I felt empty. Empty - with no offsetting celebration. That's just how I felt. 

For clarification - I AM SO DANG HAPPY TO HAVE MY KIDS - TO SNUGGLE, TO GET HUGS, TO TALK, TO LISTEN, TO BAKE, TO PLAY. THESE DAYS ARE THE BEST.  But, despite my best efforts, sometimes the internal feelings / battles don't just go away even though such GREATNESS is right in front of me.

As I was really struggling to understand how and why I felt the way I did, a friend shared this with me and it hit...hard. 

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The Silence of Saturday - by Max Lucado

Jesus is silent on Saturday.  The women have anointed his body and placed it in Joseph’s tomb.  The cadaver of Christ is as mute as the stone which guards it.  He spoke much on Friday. He will liberate the slaves of death on Sunday.  But on Saturday, Jesus is silent.

So is God.  He made himself heard on Friday.  He tore the curtains of the temple, opened the graves of the dead, rocked the earth, blocked the sun of the sky, and sacrificed the Son of Heaven.  Earth heard much of God on Friday.

Nothing on Saturday.  Jesus is silent.  God is silent.  Saturday is silent.

Easter weekend discussions tend to skip Saturday.  Friday and Sunday get the press.  The crucifixion and resurrection command our thoughts.  But don’t ignore Saturday.  You have them, too.

Silent Saturdays.  The day between the struggle and the solution; the question and the answer; the offered prayer and the answer thereof.

Saturday’s silence torments us.  Is God angry?  Did I disappoint him? God knows Jesus is in the tomb, why doesn’t He do something?  Or, in your case God knows your career is in the tank, your finances are in the pit, your marriage is in a mess. Why doesn’t He act?  What are you supposed to do until He does?

You do what Jesus did.  Lie still.  Stay silent.  Trust God.  Jesus died with this conviction: “You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay” (Acts 2:27 NIV).

Jesus knew God would not leave him alone in the grave.  You need to know, God will not leave you alone with your struggles.  His silence is not his absence, inactivity is never apathy.  Saturdays have their purpose. They let us feel the full force of God’s strength. Had God raised Jesus fifteen minutes after the death of His son, would we have appreciated the act? Were He to solve your problems the second they appear, would you appreciate His strength?

For His reasons, God inserts a Saturday between our Fridays and Sundays.  If today is one for you, be patient.  As one who endured the silent Saturday wrote:  “Be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord” (James 5:7 NKJV).

© Max Lucado, 2013

The Silence of Saturday - Max Lucado

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I was - and still am - living in a Saturday.  I'm in a season where I feel lost, alone (at times), confused, and as though I am walking around aimlessly. (Wait...walking around aimlessly isn't that odd for me! Haha!) 

I want Saturday to end. I want to see the victory...the celebration...experience the joy. I'm tired of waiting. As Lucado says, "Saturday's silence torments us."  YES!  Yes, it really does.

While I'm still in the Saturday season, my daughter stopped me in my tracks yesterday with a text message.  We had a frustrating moment yesterday afternoon. One of those things where we just looked at each other and said, "what the heck?! Really? Make it stop!" In true Leah fashion, within about 30 minutes of this, she sent me the following Bible verse:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. - James 1: 2-3

Read it again...consider it PURE JOY!  As I sit here desperately longing for the Sunday, my 11 year-old daughter sends me a Bible verse that reminds us to consider our trials "pure joy." Well there's a twist!  That is now my goal...to find JOY through this period of silence...to find JOY in the pain...the find JOY in the trials. I know it won't be easy, but He promises it will be worth it. I strive to no longer hope in God's plan, but be confident and TRUST His plan. That is my prayer...for both you...and me. 💗

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]