I am...Just Me...Take it or Leave it (literally).

 

A few weeks ago, my daughter Leah and I were chatting before bed. These are my FAVORITE moments...just talking, a few squeeze hugs, "Good Night - I Love You's," laughs, tears, and maybe even some venting.  (Let's be honest...venting is sometimes good for the female soul.)  I randomly decided to take a selfie of us. This picture keeps showing up in my phone "memories."  Time and time again, I thought, "stop showing me this picture...it's 'Scary Kari!'" And then, one day, I stopped myself and decided to look at it closer...with a different perspective.

Perhaps a little background would help to understand the "significance" of this picture.  You see, up until 2021, I would have NEVER even considered taking a picture without make-up on. And, for goodness sake, I certainly wouldn't post it for the world to see.  I would have focused on the acne scars...a constant reminder of the years of Retin-A, Cephalexin, and Accutane. Or, more recently, I would see the wrinkles.  I may have dwelled on the shiny complexion - a result of the Anti-Aging Arbonne products used to halt and/or (hopefully) reverse the damage.  Then, I’d start analyzing the difference between my complexion and Leah's?  Could it be the 28 year age difference? What about the life circumstances that have undoubtedly made me age at a ridiculously fast pace?  Or, did the years of sun exposure and "fake baking" to achieve that 1990s year-round tanned skin look take its toll?  

The truth is...I can pick apart this picture for a hundred different reasons. I could have immediately deleted it from my camera roll to avoid being reminded of my "scary" look.  Or...I can look at it and CHOOSE to see something completely different.  And, maybe, just maybe, this new view will allow me to see the good.  A friend once told me that "scars tell a story."  I had never thought of it that way.  But, they do. And, so do the wrinkles. The old Kari would have seen the ugly of this picture.  

The new Kari sees the beauty in it.  I see the joy in both my face and Leah's. I see the "real-ness" in both of us.  I see the simplicity I desire for daily. I see the genuine smile on Leah's face. I see a Mom and Daughter spending MUCH needed quality time together. I see love. I see comfort. I see peace. And, for once, I see "me" for "me" - no one else. I see a woman who has chosen to rise in the face of adversity. Those eyes have cried many tears in the last six months.  But, for once, I am finally "just me." What you see is what you get.  And, honestly, take it or leave it (quite literally…as some have).  

But, here's what I have learned...It's ok to live your life for others -- it's ok to desire to please others out of love and/or care and concern.  It's not ok to change who you fundamentally are in an attempt to make others happy. That's not fair to you - or anyone, for that matter.  Nope. Be YOU. Do YOU. Be the person God created you to be. He made YOU on purpose, with a purpose, and for a purpose (thanks, Pastor Ryan). It's true - God has a plan for YOU. Attempting to change who you are only screws up that plan. I don't know about you, but I long for the day that God's plan comes together so I can finally see the "master plan." 

Maybe - just maybe, you and I are already living out God's plan. Sometimes we become so focused on the outcome that we forget to enjoy the process and see the beauty along the way.  Much like my scars and wrinkles, they tell a story and maybe even some pretty crazy ones.  My current "look" might not be the prettiest or most beautiful, but what I have learned is that it's not necessarily the outcome that matters, but the stories and experiences along the way.  Your journey, triumphs, struggles, and battles make up your story, but they don't define you. Use them for your benefit and to help others. Use them to learn and grow - always remembering to remain true to yourself and, most importantly, God. It may require a change in perspective. Sometimes those aren't easy, but necessary. Look around...find the good...and grow.  Embrace the scars and wrinkles. And, for goodness sake, be YOU. 

I can't wait to watch you soar. Enjoy the journey and be confident that God's plan is a good one. I'll be here waiting to hear your story...scars and all.

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

I Will Start Again...

 

Have you ever had that "ah-ha moment" when something that's said slaps you upside the head at the most unexpected moment?  Oddly enough, this happened to me recently while watching a Netflix show. One of the main characters passed away and her on-screen best friend read a poem at the funeral.  About half-way through the reading, the following was said:

"For my sake - turn again to life...and smile."  

And, my goodness, did this make me think.  I started to think about some very important people I have lost in my life - grandparents (x 4), Troy (brother), and Mama Ell (childhood babysitter).  Perhaps it's important to note that I was supposed to find out "the news of my apparently failed marriage / impending divorce" on the 27th anniversary of my brother's death - July 31, 2021.  Thank goodness, I found out on July 30th - just 7 hours before the 31st.  (I call this a "God thing" - there have been some crazy "God things" throughout all of this...more on that another day.)  Maybe the meaning of this date seems like an odd "fact." Or, maybe you understand the significance of a "death-anniversary."  It doesn't really matter...the crumbling of my world as I knew it didn't deserve to be on the same day as my brother's death. Period. End of story. 

Then, the impact and memories I have of Mama Ell, my childhood babysitter, made me pause and think even more when I heard that single line from the poem. (Mama Ell was one AMAZING lady.  I will include the tribute I wrote for her when she passed away - just to give you a small idea of how incredible she was.)

As this line was spoken: "For my Sake - turn again to life...and smile," it hit me. Maybe Troy and Mama Ell sent me this message.  You see, that's something they would TOTALLY do.  I can so imagine them conspiring to send me such a message from heaven... "For my sake - turn again to LIFE...and SMILE." Or, perhaps something like this (in today's slang talk): "Kari, for goodness sake, live your life - the one and only God gave you. Smile!  You have always been slightly obsessed with smiley faces. So, do it - just live life and smile. Truly LIVE this life and let your smile shine."  You see, they are exactly right. We do deserve to live this life and smile. 

• When you feel beyond defeated and there is no way up, turn again to life...and smile. 
• When you feel like you are just getting by or barely surviving, turn again to life...and smile. 
• When you can't seem to get out of bed in the morning because the emotional pain is too much to bear, turn again to life...and smile.
• When you sit at home on a Monday night drinking wine and replaying every single detail of what has happened the past 6 months, turn again to life...and smile.

Because, you see, NO MATTER WHAT, there is good. There really is something good in every bad situation.  Sometimes the good is (really) hard to see. Other times, maybe it's not as hard. But, don't forget to look for it...it's there. Hold on to these moments...the moments when you see and/or feel the good. Write them down. Tell someone else. Cling to the good and dismiss the bad. Don't forget what you've learned from the bad, but remember that the bad no longer defines you. Nope. Dig deep and find the determination to let the good define you.  Maybe that means taking a step forward instead of two steps back. Maybe that means telling someone "hi" when you meet them on the street. Maybe that means finding new best friends and people who positively impact in ways you never thought possible. Maybe that means just being present...without the stress and anxiety of worrying what anyone else thinks. Maybe that means offering grace to others, but also yourself. Whatever it is, cling to it. Cherish the good. You'll be glad you did.

But, always, no matter what, embrace the ah-ha moment and for the sake of those gone before us and our one eternal Savior, turn again to LIFE...and SMILE.  If that means starting over, do it. I think you'll be glad you did...at least I hope so...

Until next time…Kari [xoxo] 

 

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Mama Ell tribute: 

Just Yesterday

It seems like just yesterday you yelled “Woo Hoo” across the street to give us all a big wave.  I loved hearing that sound, but I loved it even more when it was followed with you walking across the street with your bright, happy smile to come chat…even if for just a few minutes. 

It seems like just yesterday you poured dish soap on the cement pad outside, followed with water so we could play in the soap and bubbles!  Oh, that was so much fun.  Little did I know, you probably just wanted it (or us) cleaned! 

It seems like just yesterday you lined us all up along the cabinets in the kitchen to make sure we remembered the rules and would follow them.  I don’t remember a single time you “yelled” at us…you just talked to us like your own. 

It seems like just yesterday we played “library” in your kitchen.  We were “old-school” and still had the paper checkout sheets.  We had such fun writing the due dates on the 20 books each of us checked out. 

It seems like just yesterday you would yell, “HIT THE DECK!” With that, we all fell to the floor to be the first to find whatever was dropped! 

It seems like just yesterday I hid from my Mom when she came to pick me up each day.  I cried because I didn’t want to go home.  Mom could usually get me to come if she said we were going to “Wally World” (aka Wal-Mart).  But, I specifically remember a time that didn’t even work and I cried, “but I don’t wanna go to Wally World! I wanna stay here!” Now that my own kids do this, I understand the angst that causes for a Mom, but also the comfort in knowing the kids are well taken care of.

It seems like just yesterday Angie fell off the swing set and broke her arm.  I will never forget you getting out a cutting board to splint it, but I was certain you were going to cut her arm off.  Of course, I should have known better – Mama Ell knew how to handle EVERYTHING.

It seems like just yesterday you called me “Re-Re” and Troy “Otto.”  The only problem was that I went home and told Mom you had a new name for Troy.  I couldn’t remember it, but I did remember that was spelled the same backwards and forwards and was just o’s and t’s.  Instead of remembering “Otto,” we thought you named him “Toot.”  “Toot” stuck from that day on…

It seems like just yesterday we talked about having a “Mama Ell’s kids” reunion.  We never did, but you should see the memories flowing on our Facebook group right now! 

It seems like just yesterday we prayed at your house.  Yes, prayed.  I wish everyone had a Mama Ell – maybe this world would be a kinder place.

It seems like just yesterday, all of us kids piled into your vehicle (totally illegal these days) and went to the Summer Reading program at the library! 

It seems like just yesterday we marched in the Kiddie Parade as “Ell’s Angels.”  What a sight that was!

It seems like just yesterday Angie, Casey, and I would lay down at nap time on our individual mats and look under the bed skirt and talk to each other.  You’d tell us to be quiet, but I’m pretty sure we never listened…and you knew better anyway.

It seems like just yesterday you were here with us…smiling, giving hugs, fixing all of our boo-boos (we had A LOT of those), saying “Oh Roger” when he’d pull a funny stunt, hollering at Holly the dog, teaching us cross-stitch, and setting such an amazing example - for us to just love each other. 

You see, Mama Ell, you touched so many lives in such a positive and profound way.  You treated us with love and respect.  You helped raise us.  To explain you to someone who has never known you is almost impossible because there will only ever be ONE Mama Ell.  And, you were simply the best.  Your faith and love for all, but especially Jesus, will never be forgotten and never taken for granted.  I only have regrets that I didn’t see you more.  But, here’s the thing…

I told Leah last night that you weren’t doing too well.  She cried. She cried hard.

Among many other memories, she said, “So I won’t get to ride with her on the swing anymore and pretend we’re going to different countries?”  -  No, Leah, you won’t, but what a great memory!

Today, I told Leah you went to heaven. You know what she said (after shedding a few tears)?… “Can I go to her funeral. I loved her.”  - Yes, you can… and me too, Leah, me too.  What an impact you made on a 7-year-old you maybe saw twice a year.  But, that was just you – so incredibly special! 

Mama Ell - Thank you for making such a huge impact in so many lives.  Thank you for showing grace every day.  Thank you for always loving me (and so many others).  You made a difference in my life and, for that, I will be forever grateful.  Most of all, please know how special you were and how much I loved you.

Love,  Your “Re-Re” - Kari (Frerking) Woodard

Written: 2/26/18

The Unexpected Plan - the Good & the Not So Good

One of my favorite parts of the "new year" has always been starting a new planner!  (To be specific, I can only function with a Blue Sky monthly/weekly calendar.)  I have (embarrassingly) tried a ridiculous number of other planners.  But, Blue Sky always wins.  During September of every year, I "get" to order my new planner so it's ready for January.  I have historically celebrated 1) getting the planner and 2) "Happy New Planner Day" (aka January 1). This year was no different...it was definitely a "Happy New Planner Day" - the start of something new, a clean slate, and a chance to reassign colors for each of us (yes, we each have our own color so I can keep things straight in my brain).  

This year was different -- I was getting rid of the planner that included legal meetings, joint stipulation deadlines, and the first schedule of my shared custody arrangement. I forgot to write down birthdays, work stuff, and important dates because the unexpected - and certainly unplanned - divorce suddenly took over every little detail.  Throwing away my 2021 planner was down right exciting.  The year 2022 would be so much better...or so I hoped.  Reality hit when I realized every single day of 2022 is scheduled for my kids and where they will / should be. Every single day is marked with a dark pink "Kari" or a blue "____". I cut out our holiday schedule from the joint stipulation and taped in the back of my planner. Seriously, I should be focusing on birthdays, games, practices, events, work stuff, etc...not my darn custody agreement!  And then, that's when it hit...I was reminded that I don't "get" to see MY kids any time I want. I have to "let them go" and live somewhere else for 50% of the year. Even more importantly, I turned my thoughts to how the kids must feel. They will be tossed back and forth constantly.  Instead of worrying about what homework is due and when, they worry about whether or not they need to pack their "sleep bag" for the next morning or not. They have to think about their week and if they have any practices...does the correct parent have the correct sports bag?  It sucks. 

Now, I know what you're thinking... "Kids are resilient. They will adjust. They will handle it better than you expect." And, honestly, maybe that is correct. But, darn it - they shouldn't have to!  As if the kids don't have enough to worry about...now they have to live two different places, feel a whole host of new pressures and responsibilities, and try to keep up on everything else in life. I catch myself screaming "It's NOT fair" in my mind more frequently than I care to admit. And, why?  Because a marriage ended. Because the man I thought I loved decided to move on. Because there was something "better" out there. Because, as humans, we tend to chase happiness and think we "deserve to be happy" versus thinking about the impact our choices and decisions may have on those around us. 

Yes, today is a "frustrated" day...a day where I want it all to go away and let my kids be kids again!  They deserve that!  So, today, when I pick them up from school, we are going to go home and have fun. We might get McDonald's and/or play a game. We will go to our Church's Awana program tonight. We may even sit in the hot tub so we can have our "chat time." And, then, I will (finally) be able to hug and kiss them good night and tell them I love them in person.  I will probably lay awake and watch their precious faces sleep for a few minutes before I fall asleep.  And, I will be ever so grateful that - for the short time they're asleep - they aren't thinking about the "big D" (as my son calls it), whose house they will be at the next day, if they have everything they need from Dad's house, etc.  Their mind will finally get to rest...until the morning when they start thinking about it all over again. 

If you are divorced and have shared custody, I get it. It's hard. Know that you aren't alone.  

If you are married and considering a divorce, please reconsider. Please go get counseling.  Please think - HARD - about the impact this decision could have on those around you. Try couples counseling. Talk to each other and try to work with your spouse to find a path forward together. Communicate with each other. 

While I truly believe I will (eventually) be better off because of my divorce (at least that's what everyone tells me), it doesn't make it any easier for the kids. I can promise you that I will do my absolute best to help the kids transition throughout this new hand they've been dealt.  

I must admit...I still love my new planner, even with the custody schedule. Maybe - just maybe - 2022 will be a year of new beginnings, positive changes, and one incredibly organized planner.  I'm going to guess I will still face plenty of challenges, but perhaps I will be able to handle them better than I may have in the past.  Perhaps my tribe of friends will continue to carry me/us through the tough times and hopefully, I will be able to start to give back just a fraction of what's been given to me in return.  Yes, we'll go with that...for now! 

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

The Unexpected

Divorce is...

• Ugly. 
• Disappointing.
• Sad.
• Painful.
• Unbelievably hurtful. 
• Oddly refreshing.
• Somewhat freeing.
• Nothing I ever thought I'd experience. But, here I am. 

I've been officially divorced for just over 100 days.  It seems like yesterday, but feels like several years ago - all at the same time.  That really makes no sense, but then again, nothing makes sense when traveling down the divorce road. There are roadblocks I never could have imagined. There are times I have wanted to run away.  There is a hurt that I wouldn't wish on anyone. (More on that to come in future posts.  I'm still a work in progress and not ready to share all the gory details.  Trust me when I say "I didn't think it could get any worse, but it did...over and over again.")  

Some days are good. Others are even really good. Then, there are the bad days and the really ugly days. There are days in between when complacency is a victory and survival seems heroic. There are happy tears and sad tears. There is that ugly cry - you know, the one where you can't catch your breath and feel like screaming for hours on end, but you can't because the lump in your throat is too big to even speak?  Yes, that one. Then there are the panic attacks that you never realized were panic attacks until someone told you.  Praise the Lord those have subsided.  But, the tingly fingers and toes, the gasping for air, the physical shaking...it's just bad and ugly.  {Side note: find that friend who will sit with you on the sidewalk outside of your church when you have an all out attack. Let her hold you until the shaking stops or the feelings return to your extremities.  It's ok. She loves you. But, find that friend...she's priceless.} There are the night sweats when you're unknowingly overcome with fear and anxiety.  I'm not going to sugarcoat it...it is hard. And, so far, it hasn't gotten any easier. The challenges have just changed and morphed into new challenges. I will be forever grateful to a friend who said, "Kari, it won't ever get easier. You will just learn to deal with it." She is so correct.  And I'm grateful for her honesty and bluntness.  

Today is a particularly bad day. It just is. I will spare the details for now, but when you see your children hurt and affected in ways they never should be, a whole new pain fills your body.  It just doesn't seem "fair." And it's not. Not for them.

At the same time, today is a good day because my kids are with me! I absolutely love spending time with them.  They are incredible kids that I will do every little thing in my power to love and build them up during this crazy time. More on them in the future... 

100 days...a million different emotions...all because of 1 decision that changed our lives forever. For now, I pray that it will be for the good.  That's what they tell me anyway..."it will all work out, Kari." Good grief, I hope so...because the road I'm on seems awfully treacherous and endless.  

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]