Fight...for your Marriage!

A friend recently shared this on Facebook. (I don't know who originally wrote so no credit is given. Apologies for not knowing original source.)

"You're so lucky you have such a good husband..."
No.
It isn't luck.

There's nothing lucky about our marriage.
I think we need to stop painting the picture of a happy marriage that doesn't come through hard work.
Any couple who has a healthy, happy marriage that has last 10, 20, 30 or even 50 years didn't get there by luck.

They didn't just stay happily married.
They sacrificed.
They forgave.
They rebuilt trust that was broken.
They apologized.
They kept trying.
They got help when they were stuck.
They kept dating.
They got help when they were stuck.
The made time for each other.
They learned how to communicate.
They cared more about the marriage than their pride.
There was nothing lucky about the marriage.
They worked.
They worked hard for one another.

The truth is- there is no happily ever after without the blood, the sweat and the tears.
The truth is you can't get to happy without going the hard way.

Your marriage is worth working for.
Rooting for you.

Excuse me while I get on my soapbox for a minute.  No, actually, don't excuse me! FIGHT FOR YOUR MARRIAGE! 

Yes, there are absolutely reasons for a divorce. In Matthew 5:32, the Bible says: "But I tell you that anyone who divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, makes her the victim of adultery, and anyone who marries a divorced woman commits adultery." I would also "argue" (for lack of a better word) that abuse (mental, physical, and/or emotional) without acknowledgement, admission, and attempt to change is also just cause. 

But, since when do we just "give up"? Since when do we just throw in the towel because you found something "better"? I love the quote that says "the grass isn't always greener on the other side; the grass is greener where you water it". Water the freaking grass! Get counseling, communicate, talk through issues / concerns / everything, but most importantly, put God first. Always. A family that prays together stays together. I should have done a better job of this. I didn't. A divorce is not one person's fault. It's both. So, fight like hell to water the grass where you are and make it work.

Throughout this experience, I have seen so much PAIN and HURT show in ways it never should. The ripple effect one decision can have is quite impressive. That may be a bad decision...or a good decision, but the ripple still happens. And, sometimes, the ripple goes much further and deeper than you ever expected it to. That's great if it's a "good" thing, but obviously not great if it's a "bad" thing.  Divorce sucks. The ripples can be brutal. There are GREAT examples of civil divorces, but the others - the ones where anger and resentment seem to fester more and more as time goes on - are simply disgusting and exhausting.

So, fight for your marriage.  You got married for a reason...focus on that, build on it, and set a good example for those around you.  Perhaps, a little hard work would go a long way...

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

Cause I'm Worn...

A few days ago, I was scrolling through Facebook and ran across a song I have heard many times before, but not recently. I quickly hit "play" - expecting nothing other than hearing a good song.  Instead, I broke...completely. In fact, I've listened to it numerous times since then and every single time, it ends in an ugly cry.  I love the song...it's so true. But, I've been healing and working through some tough "Holy Spirit" messages lately and thought I was doing "ok!" Then it hit me...my friends, family, acquaintances, those I've met through all this, etc...they're worn. So worn. 

I feel somewhat guilty.  As I have been trying to maneuver and survive the past 15-ish months, there are so many around me who have also been deeply affected by the actions involved with my situation. I feel somewhat selfish that I've only focused on myself and my kids in all of this.  Have I been a "good enough" friend to those who have supported me in ways I can't even adequately explain?  No, I haven't. The same is true for family members. I have family members who have stopped their own lives to help with mine. Yet, I feel so ashamed because I haven't been able to adequately reciprocate the support and love to them. 

And, as time has progressed since my "blow up," I've watched friends struggle through their own disappointment and hurt caused by this situation (and others).  I've watched friends face their own trials and tribulations head on. I've also watched friends put their guard up in order to hide their own reality.  And, I'm realizing that everyone is so "worn." 

Stay with me here...but, being a Christian and following Jesus is hard sometimes - ok, a lot of times!

It's hard to TRUST when everything falls apart. 

It's hard to BELIEVE that this is His plan.  

It's hard to keep the FAITH when there seems to be no reason for it. (What? You expect me to keep the faith just to be hurt over and over? Gosh, does it sometimes feel that way.)

Yes, there are good things (and praise Jesus for those good things -- marriages between two people who could never dream of hurting the other person, bringing new life into the world, watching kids succeed and soar, the new job that achieves so many goals, etc..).  

Yes, good things are there!  But, sometimes they are hard to see when there is so much hurt and pain.  

This song...it's so spot on...

I'm tired.

I'm worn.

My heart is heavy.

My soul feels crushed.

I'm too weak.

Life just won't let up.

I've lost my will to fight.

 

YES!  All of that.

But, then, we are reminded of the hope we have through our faith in Jesus!  And, well, despite thinking there just isn't much hope...it's there. Because both YOU and I have been given the promise of eternal life. God really can...

Restore us.

Give us rest.

Lift the weights that weigh us down.

Put the pieces back together.

Make us strong again.

Help us see the good in life.

And, hallelujah, he has already won the good fight - for YOU - and me. 

It's OK if we lose our will to fight...because God carries us.

The words of the song are included below. Read them and then listen to the song.  What joy we have knowing that REDEMPTION does win!!

I know this post is a bit scattered.  Sorry for that.  But, I just want YOU (yes, YOU) to know that we can be torn down and worn out...and God still wins...every single time.  Even when you don't see it...He's there.  What a reassurance that is!

So, to my friends and family who have held me up, thank you. But, also - I see you. I feel you. I pray for you. I love you. Put on the armor of God and let's kick the devil to the curb.  He's robbed us of enough. Time for us to watch redemption win!  Because it will...it really will. 

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Tenth Avenue North - Worn

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

A Dead Rose Bush & the Armor of God

See this dead rose bush?  This was planted several years ago around some utility boxes on our (now 'my') property. I never liked it there. I work for a utility company. You really shouldn't plant things around utility boxes. Or, at the very least, you should leave ample space so utility workers are able to easily access the equipment when needed.  Further, please don't plant rose bushes (hello, thorns!) close to utility boxes...OUCH!  Frankly, when this was done, my opinions were not looked highly upon so it really never mattered what I thought. (Let me pause here...sometimes this was a good thing. I will never claim to be a genius.  And, common sense isn't always common for me.  However, having an open mind and hearing other's thoughts and opinions is healthy and should be encouraged, rather than discouraged - especially in a marriage.) Nonetheless, it seemed rather ironic to me that this rose bush was dead this year. The plant I never liked in this spot...dead...the first summer after my divorce. If that's not a sign, I don't know what is...time for the dead rose bush to COME OUT! Yay!  Well, I thought it was "yay" until...

I realized I had no shovel. 

Nope...didn't really "inventory" the tools that were taken in the divorce. I did request a list, but that fell on deaf ears.  And, trying to figure out everything that was taken just wasn't high on my priority list at the time. (Note: if you're going through a divorce, I highly encourage a list of things you DON'T get to keep so you know for future reference.) 

Back to the story...there I was...still with no shovel. I was left with this weird garden tool (at least that's what I think it is) that has a small straight, completely flat plate at the end. It was much too small for the project, but who really wants to go spend money and buy a shovel?  Leave it to me to use this random tool to try to dig out a rose bush.

Let me remind you...this is planted around UTILITY BOXES. I realized towards the end of the project that I didn't call one-call before digging. Remember that I work for a utility company? Yeah, duh me...not only am I digging with a non-shovel, random tool, but now I'm digging without a one-call AND with wearing work clothes with flip flops. Hey - I thought it would be a quick project...after all, it's DEAD! Nope..wrong again. Below is a picture of my wanna-be shovel (caked thick with dirt) and my super un-safe when digging flip flop! 

Despite my best efforts, it became clear that my wanna-be shovel wasn't going to cut it. So, off to Bomgaars we went to buy a "real" shovel. It was only $10.99!  Who knew?! Once I was able to return to the project (still with my flip flops on and no one-call), I handled the shovel like a rockstar!  Actually, no, the roots were so deep and twisted that I had to cut them with my handy-dandy big yard scissors (my 3rd favorite tool next to my weed eater and blower). But, between my scissors and my brand new shovel, I dug that darn rose bush up like a champ. And, thankfully, hit no utility lines in the process. Whew! Here's the proof...

I'm sure you're wondering where in the world I'm going with this. (Honestly, at this point, I'm kind of wondering that myself.)  Seriously, though, as I'm digging up this dead plant, I was surprised at the depth and complexity of its roots. I really thought it would be much easier to dig up / get out. 

Have you ever been so twisted and deep into sin that it takes SO much more than just a random tool and a little hard labor to stop it? Perhaps these deep roots are so hard to stop / disconnect / cut off that they make us ugly, unhappy, and basically dead on the outside. Yet, to those who see the hurting person on the outside, I think it's important that we consider the depth and strength of those things that tie us down - usually contributing to sin and/or our inability to see reality. 

Are we equipping ourselves with the right tools for the jobs we have? Just like many of you, I have challenging situations in life right now. In full transparency, I'm not using the tools available to me as I should be. Nope. I've allowed myself to stop devotions and Bible plans. I go to church, but I'm not consistently "in the Word" like I should be - or was just a few months ago. I've allowed the enemy to distract me from using the tools I really need. I've allowed the enemy to convince me that if I can do 100 things in one day, I'm more successful than doing 50. And, that's simply not the case. Sometimes we need to just slow down...spend more time in prayer and thanksgiving vs. thinking about what we don't have or can't get. And, we really need to be equipping ourselves with the right tools.  Sometimes a shovel purchased for a small price can make all the difference in the world. The same is true for the armor of God. This reminds me of a Bible study I did a few years back called "Armor of God" by Priscilla Shirer (it was great). Let's not skimp on the tools God has blessed us with...let's use the full armor and stand firm against the enemy and his evil ways... We know that God can help us out of any tangled up, deep rooted, messed up disaster.  We just need to be willing to accept the help and tools he has provided us with...even if that means buying one or 2.  Chances are, we already have them...just need to find them and use them as God intended and promised to us. 

Finding Joy in the Silence

The last week has been weird. My emotions have been ALL over the place. I've gone from angry...to sad...very sad...to happy...to fine...to decent...back to angry...down right depressed...sad...grateful...and everything in between (whatever that means)!  Last week, I wrote seven words on a sticky note - all of which described how I was feeling.  I wish I never would have thrown it away because, of course, I can't remember all of them.  A few of the words were:

• Exhausted (mentally and emotionally)
• Heavy (as in "weight of the world on my shoulders" heavy)
• Overwhelmed
• Irritated

At the same time, I knew I should be happy. It's one thing to be sad because you have a reason to be sad.  But, I get very annoyed with myself when I should be happy and can't get there. After all, I have my kids for 11 days in a row. YAY!!  Custody changes go in a cycle for me...I am absolutely elated and on cloud 9 when I get the kids back. After the adrenaline wears off and I'm caught up on hugs, I begin to see the reality of everything again.  Sometimes, that looks like happiness - other times, it's expressed as frustration, anger, and rage. It's the "emotional dump."  And, as much as I would love to say that it's "just the kids" that experience an emotional release, it's not. It's me, too. 

Last week, there were circumstances that just flat HURT. I will never understand how everything can seem so "perfect" for others, but so painful and gut-wrenching for the other "side." It simply makes no sense to me. And, why doesn't it just stop? I want the waves to STOP. 

And then, we have Easter...another holiday. Not only another holiday, but an anniversary-of-sorts that was the beginning of the end (I just didn't know it at the time). Despite the JOY of Christ's resurrection and the celebration of the empty tomb, I felt empty. Empty - with no offsetting celebration. That's just how I felt. 

For clarification - I AM SO DANG HAPPY TO HAVE MY KIDS - TO SNUGGLE, TO GET HUGS, TO TALK, TO LISTEN, TO BAKE, TO PLAY. THESE DAYS ARE THE BEST.  But, despite my best efforts, sometimes the internal feelings / battles don't just go away even though such GREATNESS is right in front of me.

As I was really struggling to understand how and why I felt the way I did, a friend shared this with me and it hit...hard. 

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The Silence of Saturday - by Max Lucado

Jesus is silent on Saturday.  The women have anointed his body and placed it in Joseph’s tomb.  The cadaver of Christ is as mute as the stone which guards it.  He spoke much on Friday. He will liberate the slaves of death on Sunday.  But on Saturday, Jesus is silent.

So is God.  He made himself heard on Friday.  He tore the curtains of the temple, opened the graves of the dead, rocked the earth, blocked the sun of the sky, and sacrificed the Son of Heaven.  Earth heard much of God on Friday.

Nothing on Saturday.  Jesus is silent.  God is silent.  Saturday is silent.

Easter weekend discussions tend to skip Saturday.  Friday and Sunday get the press.  The crucifixion and resurrection command our thoughts.  But don’t ignore Saturday.  You have them, too.

Silent Saturdays.  The day between the struggle and the solution; the question and the answer; the offered prayer and the answer thereof.

Saturday’s silence torments us.  Is God angry?  Did I disappoint him? God knows Jesus is in the tomb, why doesn’t He do something?  Or, in your case God knows your career is in the tank, your finances are in the pit, your marriage is in a mess. Why doesn’t He act?  What are you supposed to do until He does?

You do what Jesus did.  Lie still.  Stay silent.  Trust God.  Jesus died with this conviction: “You will not abandon me to the grave, nor will you let your Holy One see decay” (Acts 2:27 NIV).

Jesus knew God would not leave him alone in the grave.  You need to know, God will not leave you alone with your struggles.  His silence is not his absence, inactivity is never apathy.  Saturdays have their purpose. They let us feel the full force of God’s strength. Had God raised Jesus fifteen minutes after the death of His son, would we have appreciated the act? Were He to solve your problems the second they appear, would you appreciate His strength?

For His reasons, God inserts a Saturday between our Fridays and Sundays.  If today is one for you, be patient.  As one who endured the silent Saturday wrote:  “Be patient, brethren, until the coming of the Lord” (James 5:7 NKJV).

© Max Lucado, 2013

The Silence of Saturday - Max Lucado

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I was - and still am - living in a Saturday.  I'm in a season where I feel lost, alone (at times), confused, and as though I am walking around aimlessly. (Wait...walking around aimlessly isn't that odd for me! Haha!) 

I want Saturday to end. I want to see the victory...the celebration...experience the joy. I'm tired of waiting. As Lucado says, "Saturday's silence torments us."  YES!  Yes, it really does.

While I'm still in the Saturday season, my daughter stopped me in my tracks yesterday with a text message.  We had a frustrating moment yesterday afternoon. One of those things where we just looked at each other and said, "what the heck?! Really? Make it stop!" In true Leah fashion, within about 30 minutes of this, she sent me the following Bible verse:

Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. - James 1: 2-3

Read it again...consider it PURE JOY!  As I sit here desperately longing for the Sunday, my 11 year-old daughter sends me a Bible verse that reminds us to consider our trials "pure joy." Well there's a twist!  That is now my goal...to find JOY through this period of silence...to find JOY in the pain...the find JOY in the trials. I know it won't be easy, but He promises it will be worth it. I strive to no longer hope in God's plan, but be confident and TRUST His plan. That is my prayer...for both you...and me. 💗

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Enough for Me

 

As I was driving home tonight, a song I had never heard came on the radio. At first, I only caught the chorus... 

"We don't get to see the whole picture,

We don't get to see the whole thing, 

We just get a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and not the in-betweens..."

So, of course, I quickly googled these few lines to listen to the full song. Take 3 minutes to listen...

Futures - Hills & Horizons

I have been FRUSTRATED lately. So frustrated. I miss the family dynamic. Yes, I am well aware that a single parent and two children can be and IS a family. I get it. But, it's not the way I have internally defined family for so many years. And, I miss that life. 

Pause right here and hear me clearly: I am learning to NOT miss the environment / circumstances I didn't realize I was living in; however, releasing the insanely tight grip I held on with for so many years has proven to be extremely difficult. I don't just give up. That's not me. I fight like heck even when - maybe - I shouldn't. To many on the "outside" of all of this, it may seem like I should be able to just toss my marriage out the window since that is what others have clearly done. And, somedays, I want to - I truly want to be able to do that. But, I guess I've always believed that you don't just give up. You fight like hell, you work your butt off, you stay in until you have exhausted all possibilities - and, even then, a miracle from God is always possible. Thus, despite being legally divorced for almost seven months, letting go and accepting the "loss" remains to be a challenge for me. 

Nonetheless, the reality of the situation seems to be hitting me harder than ever lately. I am lonely, but don't want to be around people or talk about it. I am angry. So angry. The anger actually comes from so much more than just the divorce. It comes from the ripple effects of the situation. It is HARD to watch others hurt as a result of a situation you had/have absolutely no control over. For the record, when you like to be in control of situations, don't get a divorce. It's like holding your child's hand at a huge park packed with thousands of people and having to let go - with no way of knowing where they are going or what they will see, do, experience while outside of your care and protection. And, when they finally do return to you, you still have no idea what they really saw - good, bad, or otherwise. 

In addition to all of this, I can't help but wonder - WHY? What will my future look like? Why can't it look the way I want it to? Why do I have to be so dang patient? God, you didn't give me patience for a reason...for gravy sakes, don't make me find it now! (Insert God's sense of humor here...I can only imagine what he's thinking...) And, for the record, please don't tell me that everything will be better some day. Don't tell me that I deserve better and I will get that some day. You don't know that. And, honestly, with my track record, I tend to think the good Lord wants to just keep throwing challenges at me. Seriously. 

Because of these intense emotions lately, this song hit home for me. "Lately, I've been through all the ups and downs...it's crazy; everything feels so different now...maybe I wasn't meant to understand. All of the hills and horizons I've seen, over and over and over again. We don't get to see the whole picture...we don't get to see the whole thing...we just get a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and not the in-betweens." 

The lyrics continue... "Valleys, learning to love the lonely road...you lead me, breaking the cycles in my mind...trusting, it's always worth it in the end....Oh, I know I need to let go so I will hold on to you."

YES! This. Learning, breaking, trusting...letting go and holding on to Him... This is what I long for - what I strive to be able to do. One of the largest challenges I have to date is "trusting." To be hurt so deeply by not one, but two individuals you fully trusted and confided in, is brutal. Historically, I've always been a trusting person. And, I want to be that again - maybe. But, right now...NOPE! How could I honestly trust anyone?! 

I'm trying to let go...one of my greatest weaknesses. I want to hold on to my faith and God's plan...I really do.  But, it's HARD. If you wish, pray for me to be able to do this. To fully trust in Him and Him alone. The ability to do this would allow for the last verse of the song to be true...

"I don't need to see the whole picture, I don't need to see the whole thing, I'll just take a glimpse of the moment, the promise, the future, and trust the in-betweens, that's enough for me." 

Read that again. 

Wow...trusting the in-betweens...not needing to see "it all," but having the confidence that it's ENOUGH for me. 

And, if you're still reading...it's enough for you, too. As much as I want to resist trusting again, isn't that the only way we can truly begin to heal and move forward from the pain and hurt? Letting go and holding on to HIM is the answer. We can doubt, be angry, pout, cry, be sad...that's all ok (and perhaps even necessary), but ultimately, I have to hold my hands up and know that God's got me - and YOU. He does. As much as we want to see the whole picture, what if what we can't currently see will make the whole picture that much more special and meaningful in the end? What if the in-betweens are writing our story more beautifully than we could ever write it ourselves?!  

For now, that's my hope. And, I'm trying to find peace in His promises - and the faith to trust that it truly is ENOUGH for me.

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

Diamonds are a Girl's Best Friend...

 

Diamond's are a girl's best friend....or so they say...

Since my divorce, I have missed wearing my wedding ring. There are days I open my jewelry cabinet and there it is...staring at me. I love my ring - it represented our family, a sense of pride I had, and a symbol of love and commitment. For 15 years, it represented my marriage...the ups, downs, and everything in between. It had Play-Doh, dirt, slime, and who knows what else once stuck in the grooves and prongs. It has been through a lot. But, I loved that ring for what it represented and the memories made while committed to my marriage and family. To me, the ring / diamond wasn't a prized possession because of the diamond quality - or how big it was, but because it told a story - a story that I once cherished. 

I remember taking my ring off when I knew it was all over. I remember putting it in my jewelry cabinet, knowing I would never wear it again. It made me sad. And, to this day, every time I see it, I still get sad and feel hurt. However, I truly do value the ring and the memories made - much the same way I value my failed marriage. I will always appreciate the lessons learned, good times, hard times, and happy times we had. I can choose to focus on the ending - or choose to embrace the in-between and remember the "good" times. 

Following the blow of "the news" in July / August, 2021, I found out what a panic attack was. I was scared out of my mind, hurt like never before, devastated, and beyond confused. During one particular conversation, a friend asked if I prayed without ceasing. I responded with something like "that sounds like a great idea, but no...not sure that's even possible." My friend went on to suggest that we should try to pray as much as possible throughout the day - and also focus on those things that we are grateful for. Great idea...but, is it really possible right now?! In an effort to try to implement this great "idea," I made a sheet of labels that has 16 diamonds on each label. The diamond was just a random "symbol" I found to use...it had no meaning, other than to serve as a sort of check-box for each prayer. My thought was to fill in the diamonds with each prayer I said as the day progressed. 

{{ I should pause here and say that, despite this plan, I'm still not a great consistent prayer warrior. This is one area of my life I strongly desire to improve upon and become more focused on in my faith journey. }}

Nonetheless, as I was putting on labels for this week, I suddenly realized the irony of the diamond. Maybe a diamond really is a girl's best friend. But, not the hard mineral type of diamond.  Rather, a diamond that serves as a symbol of prayer and connection with God is a girl's best friend.  Yes. That. 

I don't need a rock to remind me of my earthly blessings / challenges. But, I do need a strong relationship with God to keep me grounded and growing in faith. And, one way that can happen is through prayer.

On particularly challenging days, my friend is great about saying, "Hey, did you fill in your diamonds today?" In other words, go to God...talk to HIM.

Fill in those diamonds today, friends. God's got us - even when it may not seem like it. 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶 🔶

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

Run in the Dang Rain!

 

This is not one of my more eloquent writings. If I'm honest, it's a bit all over the place. But, that's pretty much how my mind has been lately so I'm leaving it. I've let it sit awhile now and I could change it to make it sound "better," but I'm intentionally not going to.  My purpose of writing is to be raw and real...this post proves just that...

If we are Facebook friends, you know I've had a rough few weeks. I don't know why. I can't explain it. And, I definitely don't want to talk about it.  At least not in person or right now. It's just been hard. I've been angry, frustrated, sad, crushed, and everything in between. I've felt the hurt over and over again. When they say "emotions will come in waves" during and after a divorce, they aren't kidding. I thought I was past the anger. I thought I was past the sad part. The truth is...over the past few months, there have been "issues" that have come up that took priority over dealing with my own emotions. When a fire was lit that needed to be put out, that was my sole focus. When that flame was extinguished, another seemed to quickly ignite. Again, my focus was on "putting out the fires." What I didn't realize at the time was that those "fires" were masking my feelings and emotions of the actual divorce. That's not a bad thing! The issues that arose needed my full attention - and got it. But now that the smoke is starting to clear a little, the pain of the divorce seems to be swooping back in like a buzzard that finds roadkill. Seriously - it's been that "extreme." Last week, it took everything I had to get out of bed. Literally...I wanted so badly to stay in bed and sleep life away.  Even on a night when I had my kids, I had to run to my closet to cry. It made no sense...if I have my kids, I'm usually on cloud 9. Not last week. I should pause here and say that I KNOW a large reason for this "funk" is my lack of exercise and my "all you can see and eat" lifestyle. I need to get back on track...and I will.  Please don't tell me how much it will help. I am already very much aware of it. Sometimes, it's easier to eat the crap and be lazy than it is to do the work. I will get back to doing the work. Maybe I needed to crash in order to really realize and believe the benefits of clean eating and exercise?!  Let's go with that for now. 

{Also: Before anyone freaks out here: Yes, I'm on depression and anxiety medicines and have a great relationship with my family doctor. Taking more isn't an option. I'm surrounded by incredible friends who keep pretty close tabs on me. You know who you are...thank you. In fact, one specific friend texts me almost daily between 5:30 am & 5:45 am. She is often the reason I get my butt up in the morning. God has blessed me with some amazing friends and family. More on that in the future...I've got some incredible stories about just how awesome they are!}  

Nevertheless, as hard as I tried to "hide" the emotions from the kids, I know they saw it. And, I hate that. I really do. They are dealing with enough stuff on their own to also have to deal with Mom being snippy and cranky at times. {Another side note - my kids are the BEST. I'm so grateful for both of them. They may roll their eyes when I ask for the 10th hug of the day, but they do it anyway. They are smart, funny, lovable, and incredibly intuitive. Thank goodness for those two - I would be a blubbering mess without them. Thank you, God, for both of them!} 

Saturday morning, I made a to-do list for each of us and then a list for "all" of us. "All" included a movie night, playing a game, church on Sunday, etc. As Sunday afternoon rolled around, my daughter reminded me that we hadn't had our movie night.  I told her to find one to watch and we would. Despite our valiant attempt, we couldn't convince my son to watch any movie with us. However, he did enjoy his own Harry Potter entertainment. 

My daughter picked out a movie on PureFlix called, "The Perfect Race." Her and I LOVE true, Christian stories based around sports. And, that's exactly what this movie is about...a college runner trying to win Nationals. She is thrown a curveball when her coach has to step back for medical reasons - and the "fill-in" coach takes a completely different approach to help her win, which doesn't seems logical to her. {Spoiler alert...she wins Nationals and gives the medal to her ill coach. It was a great movie.} 

Here's the crazy "God sign"... About half way through the movie, there was a quick conversation about divorce. Prior to this random conversation, there was not one single mention of divorce. In fact, there was NOTHING in the movie that really even dealt with parents. But, this quick exchange was an eye opener for us:

Scene: The athletes are standing around in the office of all the coaches as it pours down rain outside. One runner asks the coach if she's going to make another runner run in the rain. When she answered "yes," the following conversation took place (as quoted from the movie):

Chris: It's pouring. That's ridiculous. Why would you run in the rain?"

Coach: Do you really want to know?

Chris: Sure.

Coach: Seriously, do you really want to know?

Chris: Yeah.

Coach: Can I ask you - are your parents together or divorced?

Chris: They're together.

Coach: Anyone else here have parents that are divorced?

(Several athletes raise their hands.)

Coach: Yeah, mine too.  Anybody here with their hand up wish that never would have happened?

(Athletes with hands raised keep hands raised.)

Coach: Chances are you're all going to get married someday. You'll pledge to make a commitment for life and there will come a day in your marriage when you will experience rain. And you're going to have a really big decision to make. You can choose to do the easy thing like our parents did and get divorced or you can choose to stay together in the rain. It's really easy to run when the weather is nice. It's easy to follow the Lord when everything is good. What about when it's not? It's not fun to run in the rain and it's not easy to follow the Lord when nothing is going right and you're wondering where God is. But, regardless of the conditions, you still run. And, regardless of the circumstances, you still follow. That why we run in the rain.

-- End Quote. --

WOW. Isn't that a mic drop moment? It was for us (and maybe you if you're reading this). It brought the tears -- and more hugs (hugs are good)! But, it stopped me in my tracks. I was getting frustrated with God last week...Why the pain?! Make it stop! I'm exhausted!  Someone told me after our divorce, "you are not the first or last to get a divorce..." (what continued after that statement was not kind). But, just those few words have stuck with me. Nope, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. But, I never expected to be a statistic. Why? Because I was willing to run in the freaking rain. In fact, I did run in the rain numerous times in my marriage. There were several times I could have easily justified throwing in the towel and "quitting". But, I didn't. I put on my gosh darn shoes and ran in the rain. Because, I agree with the movie... regardless of the conditions, you still run. {Pause...there are justifiable reasons to get a divorce, but I don't believe finding someone else who makes you 'happier' is justifiable. You have the right to disagree with me...it's cool.}  MOST importantly, regardless of the circumstances, you still follow God when conditions are brutal.  You still follow God when the world is crashing down around you.  For me, the questioning has to stop. The "whys" are justified and completely understandable. But, the reality is that we don't know His master plan. We have to keep following. We have to keep running in the rain. We have to believe that His plan is greater than we could ever begin to imagine. That certainly doesn't make it easy. And, it certainly isn't fun. But, maybe it will be worth it?! Maybe. And, if encouraging someone to run in the rain saves a marriage on the brink of divorce, then I will run with them. Refuse to take the easy way out. Do the work and make it count. But, ultimately, keep running to God. Always. It can and will be hard, but He promises us that it will be worth it. 

I'm running in the rain...run with me!

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]