Run in the Dang Rain!

 

This is not one of my more eloquent writings. If I'm honest, it's a bit all over the place. But, that's pretty much how my mind has been lately so I'm leaving it. I've let it sit awhile now and I could change it to make it sound "better," but I'm intentionally not going to.  My purpose of writing is to be raw and real...this post proves just that...

If we are Facebook friends, you know I've had a rough few weeks. I don't know why. I can't explain it. And, I definitely don't want to talk about it.  At least not in person or right now. It's just been hard. I've been angry, frustrated, sad, crushed, and everything in between. I've felt the hurt over and over again. When they say "emotions will come in waves" during and after a divorce, they aren't kidding. I thought I was past the anger. I thought I was past the sad part. The truth is...over the past few months, there have been "issues" that have come up that took priority over dealing with my own emotions. When a fire was lit that needed to be put out, that was my sole focus. When that flame was extinguished, another seemed to quickly ignite. Again, my focus was on "putting out the fires." What I didn't realize at the time was that those "fires" were masking my feelings and emotions of the actual divorce. That's not a bad thing! The issues that arose needed my full attention - and got it. But now that the smoke is starting to clear a little, the pain of the divorce seems to be swooping back in like a buzzard that finds roadkill. Seriously - it's been that "extreme." Last week, it took everything I had to get out of bed. Literally...I wanted so badly to stay in bed and sleep life away.  Even on a night when I had my kids, I had to run to my closet to cry. It made no sense...if I have my kids, I'm usually on cloud 9. Not last week. I should pause here and say that I KNOW a large reason for this "funk" is my lack of exercise and my "all you can see and eat" lifestyle. I need to get back on track...and I will.  Please don't tell me how much it will help. I am already very much aware of it. Sometimes, it's easier to eat the crap and be lazy than it is to do the work. I will get back to doing the work. Maybe I needed to crash in order to really realize and believe the benefits of clean eating and exercise?!  Let's go with that for now. 

{Also: Before anyone freaks out here: Yes, I'm on depression and anxiety medicines and have a great relationship with my family doctor. Taking more isn't an option. I'm surrounded by incredible friends who keep pretty close tabs on me. You know who you are...thank you. In fact, one specific friend texts me almost daily between 5:30 am & 5:45 am. She is often the reason I get my butt up in the morning. God has blessed me with some amazing friends and family. More on that in the future...I've got some incredible stories about just how awesome they are!}  

Nevertheless, as hard as I tried to "hide" the emotions from the kids, I know they saw it. And, I hate that. I really do. They are dealing with enough stuff on their own to also have to deal with Mom being snippy and cranky at times. {Another side note - my kids are the BEST. I'm so grateful for both of them. They may roll their eyes when I ask for the 10th hug of the day, but they do it anyway. They are smart, funny, lovable, and incredibly intuitive. Thank goodness for those two - I would be a blubbering mess without them. Thank you, God, for both of them!} 

Saturday morning, I made a to-do list for each of us and then a list for "all" of us. "All" included a movie night, playing a game, church on Sunday, etc. As Sunday afternoon rolled around, my daughter reminded me that we hadn't had our movie night.  I told her to find one to watch and we would. Despite our valiant attempt, we couldn't convince my son to watch any movie with us. However, he did enjoy his own Harry Potter entertainment. 

My daughter picked out a movie on PureFlix called, "The Perfect Race." Her and I LOVE true, Christian stories based around sports. And, that's exactly what this movie is about...a college runner trying to win Nationals. She is thrown a curveball when her coach has to step back for medical reasons - and the "fill-in" coach takes a completely different approach to help her win, which doesn't seems logical to her. {Spoiler alert...she wins Nationals and gives the medal to her ill coach. It was a great movie.} 

Here's the crazy "God sign"... About half way through the movie, there was a quick conversation about divorce. Prior to this random conversation, there was not one single mention of divorce. In fact, there was NOTHING in the movie that really even dealt with parents. But, this quick exchange was an eye opener for us:

Scene: The athletes are standing around in the office of all the coaches as it pours down rain outside. One runner asks the coach if she's going to make another runner run in the rain. When she answered "yes," the following conversation took place (as quoted from the movie):

Chris: It's pouring. That's ridiculous. Why would you run in the rain?"

Coach: Do you really want to know?

Chris: Sure.

Coach: Seriously, do you really want to know?

Chris: Yeah.

Coach: Can I ask you - are your parents together or divorced?

Chris: They're together.

Coach: Anyone else here have parents that are divorced?

(Several athletes raise their hands.)

Coach: Yeah, mine too.  Anybody here with their hand up wish that never would have happened?

(Athletes with hands raised keep hands raised.)

Coach: Chances are you're all going to get married someday. You'll pledge to make a commitment for life and there will come a day in your marriage when you will experience rain. And you're going to have a really big decision to make. You can choose to do the easy thing like our parents did and get divorced or you can choose to stay together in the rain. It's really easy to run when the weather is nice. It's easy to follow the Lord when everything is good. What about when it's not? It's not fun to run in the rain and it's not easy to follow the Lord when nothing is going right and you're wondering where God is. But, regardless of the conditions, you still run. And, regardless of the circumstances, you still follow. That why we run in the rain.

-- End Quote. --

WOW. Isn't that a mic drop moment? It was for us (and maybe you if you're reading this). It brought the tears -- and more hugs (hugs are good)! But, it stopped me in my tracks. I was getting frustrated with God last week...Why the pain?! Make it stop! I'm exhausted!  Someone told me after our divorce, "you are not the first or last to get a divorce..." (what continued after that statement was not kind). But, just those few words have stuck with me. Nope, I'm not the first and I won't be the last. But, I never expected to be a statistic. Why? Because I was willing to run in the freaking rain. In fact, I did run in the rain numerous times in my marriage. There were several times I could have easily justified throwing in the towel and "quitting". But, I didn't. I put on my gosh darn shoes and ran in the rain. Because, I agree with the movie... regardless of the conditions, you still run. {Pause...there are justifiable reasons to get a divorce, but I don't believe finding someone else who makes you 'happier' is justifiable. You have the right to disagree with me...it's cool.}  MOST importantly, regardless of the circumstances, you still follow God when conditions are brutal.  You still follow God when the world is crashing down around you.  For me, the questioning has to stop. The "whys" are justified and completely understandable. But, the reality is that we don't know His master plan. We have to keep following. We have to keep running in the rain. We have to believe that His plan is greater than we could ever begin to imagine. That certainly doesn't make it easy. And, it certainly isn't fun. But, maybe it will be worth it?! Maybe. And, if encouraging someone to run in the rain saves a marriage on the brink of divorce, then I will run with them. Refuse to take the easy way out. Do the work and make it count. But, ultimately, keep running to God. Always. It can and will be hard, but He promises us that it will be worth it. 

I'm running in the rain...run with me!

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

There is a certain freedom in letting go...

 

My blog is back. I didn't realize how much writing was actually helping me. I also didn't realize how much each of you were helping me in the process of healing, overcoming, and moving on. Thank you for allowing me to have an outlet for my randomness. Thank you for reading...even if you don't agree or think I'm crazy.  It's all good. It's all just me...being me. 💗

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A few weeks ago, I had the afternoon off work. Surprisingly, the weather was actually nice that day. Nice weather = walking outside.  When I take the time to walk outside, my favorite place to go is Swan Lake State Park in Carroll.  The full trail around the lake is about 4 miles (walk about .2 miles at the end of the trail to make it the full 4.0). It's one of my happy places. It's incredibly peaceful. I love nature and water. I also love the random deer that walk across my path as if I don't exist. For whatever reason, I am able to reflect and disconnect from life's craziness during my lake walks.  This particular day, I started off by praying. God and I had a lot to discuss...so, we did just that! 😉 Now, I've never been that person who says, "well, God told me 'xyz' or 'this or that'."  He just doesn't do that with me. But, today seemed different. From the moment I pulled into the parking lot, throughout my prayer time, and even after, it was literally like God was screaming at me - on repeat, no less - that "there is a certain freedom in letting go." If I'm honest, I was thinking, "dude, is this really you? And, if it is, that's all you're going to tell me? What the heck does it even mean?!" After my first mile, I actually stopped and sent a voice memo to a couple of close friends.  For whatever reason, I felt they needed to hear it, too.  

Seriously, as I type this, I'm beginning to think I'm a little crazy. Does this really happen? Was it really God?  I don't know for sure...but I'm convinced it was.  

So... "there is a certain freedom in letting go." Now what?

Here's the thing...there have been several challenging situations arise over the last month that caught me completely off guard.  You would think nothing would surprise me at this point, but - once again - when I think we’ve finally reached the "new normal," BOOM... another "what the heck is happening" moment comes from nowhere. (The surprises can stop anytime now. Just saying!)  But now, I have this random message playing over and over in my head…”there is a certain freedom in letting go.”  As I continued my walk around the lake, it felt like a huge weight was being lifted. 

Letting go. Let me tell you - it's a freaking process!  The letting go concept isn't like letting a helium balloon go.  Nope...it's more like the game "whack a mole" - just when you think you've let something go, it pops back up repeatedly. It's like visiting the Lego aisle at Wal-Mart with my son.  Just when you THINK you've looked at every set and either a) decided on one of them or b) convinced him to leave the aisle, you have to look at just ONE more...or FIVE. Letting go of that aisle is HARD work.

I'm learning - finally - that letting go is a necessary step. Sometimes releasing something means gaining freedom. For a control freak like me, that sounds so counter-intuitive. But, it's not. Here's what I've discovered recently in regards to "letting go:"

• Letting go of things you once thought were good may, in fact, be necessary for your "next step." 
• Letting go of relationships you've had in the past is crucial to the healing process.
• Letting go of the questions that you'll never have an answer to lifts a huge emotional weight.
• Letting go of the fear of failure seems to be a good idea. (I'm trying...this one is a slow process.)
• Letting go of the pressures, expectations, and guilt sounds like it would be very helpful. (Yep, sounds really good...haven't started this one yet.)

The point is this... there IS a certain FREEDOM in LETTING GO. We don't always have to control the reigns and try to puppeteer the outcome to our circumstances.  What if, for once, we let go?  What's the worst that can happen?  Or, could it actually work out for the better? I don't know the answer, but I do know that holding on is downright exhausting at times.  Letting go may be just what we need. What if God's plan can only unfold if we let go?  Maybe that's the freedom we could have? I think it's time for me to let go and see what happens. It won't happen overnight - or maybe not in 3 months. But, letting go seems to be a pretty important part in all of this. Perhaps letting go means letting something else in.  There's a thought...

My challenge to you...what can you let go of today (or in the future) to experience a greater freedom in your life? 

For me, letting go of a toxic situation lifted a huge weight I didn't realize I was carrying. Thank goodness...

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]

It's just an "Ugh" Day...for now.

(Bet you want to keep reading after that intro, huh?!)

Today's is Gage's 8th birthday!  I am so excited to see them after school!  I can't wait to "squeeze hug" both of them to the point they are annoyed and do the whole "Mom, stop" routine with the preteen eye roll from Leah and the grunt from Gage. Truly, I am so excited to spend time with them!!

The last 18 hours have been hard - emotionally draining and just exhausting.  And, it's a wave I didn't see coming.  So, yes, UGH! If you know anything about me, you know I don't like the unexpected. (Cue Kari's breaking point and that darn ugly cry again.)  If I'm completely transparent with myself, I know I am just throwing myself a pity party.  I hate those!!  It's really hard to bring yourself up out of the downward spiral when those hit. Some of the challenges I've struggled with since last night include:

1) My son is turning 8 and I don't get to wake him up and yell "Happy Birthday!" to him like I do to the kids each year. 

2) I don't get to be loud, obnoxious, and overly excited for him while he's trying to open his eyes.  

3) It's his BIRTHday. The day I gave BIRTH to him. And, he's not with me until 4:00.  

Pause - disclaimer time: Please know I'm incredibly grateful that I do get to spend some time with him on his birthday!  And, I realize some parents don't get that...ever again.  I am not trying to be insensitive to that at all / in any way whatsoever!  This blog is just me - going through a divorce - that's it. Resuming...

4) I miss our family today. Maybe that sounds weird considering the circumstances, but I do. I miss our happy little family of 4 celebrating the day Gage completed our family (or, so I thought).  How do I deal with the fact that our family would change forever just a few years after I thought it was complete?  How do I accept this new normal and keep going?  I truly do miss our family. I miss having that other person I trusted and loved. I miss being able to bounce ideas off each other and/or tag-teaming parenting duties.  Heck, I even miss the disagreements. I miss the random text asking "what do we have going on tonight?" I miss my person...I miss our family. Perhaps even more challenging for me right now are the constant questions... What did I do wrong? Why did this happen? How could I have prevented this?  Do I deserve this? What if I never find anyone else again?  What is God's plan with all this?  Will God use this mess and turn it into a message?  If so, the sooner, the better...please and thank you! Where do I go from here? And, the one I struggle with the most - by far - WHY AM I NOT ENOUGH?  Today is just hard. I have so many unanswered questions that I don't think I'll likely ever answer. It's not fair, but life isn't fair.  I know this, but it doesn't make it any easier some days.  

5) As birthdays come around, I look back at pictures and see the happy times. I see the smiles. I see the pure joy and innocence of the kids. I see the sleepless nights that meant never-ending cuddles. I see all the times they were sick and I got to take care of them.  I see the hard times and the amazing times. No matter what, it was always OK because we were together.  And now...we're not. 

Today has been brutal.  It's one of those days I want to drive home and crawl in bed for hours. It's ok to have these moments, but I know I can't (and won't) stay this way.  It's just an "Ugh" day...for now.

I will keep going and we will make memories tonight...new memories and maybe even new traditions. And, once the kids are asleep in my home, all will be OK. It will. I just have to get over this little road block and see the bigger picture. I know this, but sometimes, we just need an "Ugh" moment...and that's OK (I think).

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

From the Ashes...

 

I had supper with one of my friends a couple of nights ago. As we were talking and catching up, she reminded me of something that I had forgotten. She said (slightly paraphrased because I can't remember anything these days):

"Kari, you were expected to crumble. You were expected to still be curled up in the fetal position laying on the floor, unable to move." 

It's interesting how things can be said 100 different times, but it takes just one time for it to "click." I went home and thought about this. Actually, to be honest, I really did go home and curl up in my recliner with my daughter's super comfy blanket (that she never wants me to use...shhhh). As I was thinking about our conversation, this comment kept replaying in my mind. 

"Kari, you were expected to crumble. You were expected to still be curled up in the fetal position laying on the floor, unable to move." 

"You were expected to crumble." - This part is true. I completely crumbled when everything hit. I remember being unable to move. I remember thinking, "there is no way this is actually true."  I remember the days I had to go into work an hour or so late because physically getting out of bed was not possible. I crumbled. I cried. My heart broke into a million little pieces. The shock wore off over time and reality began to hit. I lost my darn mind multiple times. I went from crying to screaming to numb to sad. I went from shocked to disbelief to "WHAT IN THE HELL JUST HAPPENED...and WHY?!" I remember putting one foot in front of the other and being proud of that step...that single step. So, yes, I crumbled. 

But, the story doesn't end here. At first, I thought the crumbles were the end. Turns out, they were just the beginning.  

The second part of that statement - "You were expected to still be curled up in the fetal position laying on the floor, unable to move." I think I was like this for a bit. But, then I decided (with the help of some incredibly amazing people) to get up. So, I did it. I got up. I stood on my own two feet.  There were days that text messages held me up...others when prayers worked miracles...still others when friends randomly stopped by (sometimes with wine, woo hoo) because "they thought they should" - only to find out, I really needed that random visit.

Divorce is very much like a wave.  One day you can jump the wave like a surfing pro...the next day, you can be washed up onto the shore with your surfboard nowhere in sight. However, that doesn't mean you just lay there. It means you get your butt up and go find it. It means you try again. So, NO, I am NOT unable to move. I darn well got up and MOVED. I got UP. And you know what?!  

YOU CAN, TOO. YOU CAN GET UP.  No matter what your current battle is - health issues, family concerns, divorce, financial troubles, etc. - GET UP! There is HOPE. 

One of my all time favorite songs is "Raise a Hallelujah" by Bethel Music. The day after my thought-provoking supper, I heard it. And, I had one of those "ah ha...well played, God, well played" moments. The song's chorus says, "Up from the ashes, hope will arise." 

YES!  YES!  YES!  

Up from the crumbles, the ashes, the lowest of the low, HOPE will arise. You will be able to get up and carry on. You will be able to move forward. You will be able to learn from your mistakes. You will be able to function...to live...to grow...to thrive. Because, no matter what - thanks to our one true God, hope is always present. You may not see it at times, but it's there. You can be so broken, but YOU are a child of God - always!  No matter the mistakes made or number of times we fall flat on our face, God is always right by us. A really amazing person once told me (on a particularly hard day) to "look to the left, God is there...now look to your right, God is there." Oh the relief that can bring each of us.  

Whatever the circumstances may be, always remember: Up from the ashes, hope WILL arise.  

Life doesn't always feel hopeful. In fact, when it crumbles, it can feel down right ugly. But, you will rise. And so will I. Let's rise from the ashes together...

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

Raise a Hallelujah: https://youtu.be/G2XtRuPfaAU

I am...Just Me...Take it or Leave it (literally).

 

A few weeks ago, my daughter Leah and I were chatting before bed. These are my FAVORITE moments...just talking, a few squeeze hugs, "Good Night - I Love You's," laughs, tears, and maybe even some venting.  (Let's be honest...venting is sometimes good for the female soul.)  I randomly decided to take a selfie of us. This picture keeps showing up in my phone "memories."  Time and time again, I thought, "stop showing me this picture...it's 'Scary Kari!'" And then, one day, I stopped myself and decided to look at it closer...with a different perspective.

Perhaps a little background would help to understand the "significance" of this picture.  You see, up until 2021, I would have NEVER even considered taking a picture without make-up on. And, for goodness sake, I certainly wouldn't post it for the world to see.  I would have focused on the acne scars...a constant reminder of the years of Retin-A, Cephalexin, and Accutane. Or, more recently, I would see the wrinkles.  I may have dwelled on the shiny complexion - a result of the Anti-Aging Arbonne products used to halt and/or (hopefully) reverse the damage.  Then, I’d start analyzing the difference between my complexion and Leah's?  Could it be the 28 year age difference? What about the life circumstances that have undoubtedly made me age at a ridiculously fast pace?  Or, did the years of sun exposure and "fake baking" to achieve that 1990s year-round tanned skin look take its toll?  

The truth is...I can pick apart this picture for a hundred different reasons. I could have immediately deleted it from my camera roll to avoid being reminded of my "scary" look.  Or...I can look at it and CHOOSE to see something completely different.  And, maybe, just maybe, this new view will allow me to see the good.  A friend once told me that "scars tell a story."  I had never thought of it that way.  But, they do. And, so do the wrinkles. The old Kari would have seen the ugly of this picture.  

The new Kari sees the beauty in it.  I see the joy in both my face and Leah's. I see the "real-ness" in both of us.  I see the simplicity I desire for daily. I see the genuine smile on Leah's face. I see a Mom and Daughter spending MUCH needed quality time together. I see love. I see comfort. I see peace. And, for once, I see "me" for "me" - no one else. I see a woman who has chosen to rise in the face of adversity. Those eyes have cried many tears in the last six months.  But, for once, I am finally "just me." What you see is what you get.  And, honestly, take it or leave it (quite literally…as some have).  

But, here's what I have learned...It's ok to live your life for others -- it's ok to desire to please others out of love and/or care and concern.  It's not ok to change who you fundamentally are in an attempt to make others happy. That's not fair to you - or anyone, for that matter.  Nope. Be YOU. Do YOU. Be the person God created you to be. He made YOU on purpose, with a purpose, and for a purpose (thanks, Pastor Ryan). It's true - God has a plan for YOU. Attempting to change who you are only screws up that plan. I don't know about you, but I long for the day that God's plan comes together so I can finally see the "master plan." 

Maybe - just maybe, you and I are already living out God's plan. Sometimes we become so focused on the outcome that we forget to enjoy the process and see the beauty along the way.  Much like my scars and wrinkles, they tell a story and maybe even some pretty crazy ones.  My current "look" might not be the prettiest or most beautiful, but what I have learned is that it's not necessarily the outcome that matters, but the stories and experiences along the way.  Your journey, triumphs, struggles, and battles make up your story, but they don't define you. Use them for your benefit and to help others. Use them to learn and grow - always remembering to remain true to yourself and, most importantly, God. It may require a change in perspective. Sometimes those aren't easy, but necessary. Look around...find the good...and grow.  Embrace the scars and wrinkles. And, for goodness sake, be YOU. 

I can't wait to watch you soar. Enjoy the journey and be confident that God's plan is a good one. I'll be here waiting to hear your story...scars and all.

Until next time...Kari [xoxo]

I Will Start Again...

 

Have you ever had that "ah-ha moment" when something that's said slaps you upside the head at the most unexpected moment?  Oddly enough, this happened to me recently while watching a Netflix show. One of the main characters passed away and her on-screen best friend read a poem at the funeral.  About half-way through the reading, the following was said:

"For my sake - turn again to life...and smile."  

And, my goodness, did this make me think.  I started to think about some very important people I have lost in my life - grandparents (x 4), Troy (brother), and Mama Ell (childhood babysitter).  Perhaps it's important to note that I was supposed to find out "the news of my apparently failed marriage / impending divorce" on the 27th anniversary of my brother's death - July 31, 2021.  Thank goodness, I found out on July 30th - just 7 hours before the 31st.  (I call this a "God thing" - there have been some crazy "God things" throughout all of this...more on that another day.)  Maybe the meaning of this date seems like an odd "fact." Or, maybe you understand the significance of a "death-anniversary."  It doesn't really matter...the crumbling of my world as I knew it didn't deserve to be on the same day as my brother's death. Period. End of story. 

Then, the impact and memories I have of Mama Ell, my childhood babysitter, made me pause and think even more when I heard that single line from the poem. (Mama Ell was one AMAZING lady.  I will include the tribute I wrote for her when she passed away - just to give you a small idea of how incredible she was.)

As this line was spoken: "For my Sake - turn again to life...and smile," it hit me. Maybe Troy and Mama Ell sent me this message.  You see, that's something they would TOTALLY do.  I can so imagine them conspiring to send me such a message from heaven... "For my sake - turn again to LIFE...and SMILE." Or, perhaps something like this (in today's slang talk): "Kari, for goodness sake, live your life - the one and only God gave you. Smile!  You have always been slightly obsessed with smiley faces. So, do it - just live life and smile. Truly LIVE this life and let your smile shine."  You see, they are exactly right. We do deserve to live this life and smile. 

• When you feel beyond defeated and there is no way up, turn again to life...and smile. 
• When you feel like you are just getting by or barely surviving, turn again to life...and smile. 
• When you can't seem to get out of bed in the morning because the emotional pain is too much to bear, turn again to life...and smile.
• When you sit at home on a Monday night drinking wine and replaying every single detail of what has happened the past 6 months, turn again to life...and smile.

Because, you see, NO MATTER WHAT, there is good. There really is something good in every bad situation.  Sometimes the good is (really) hard to see. Other times, maybe it's not as hard. But, don't forget to look for it...it's there. Hold on to these moments...the moments when you see and/or feel the good. Write them down. Tell someone else. Cling to the good and dismiss the bad. Don't forget what you've learned from the bad, but remember that the bad no longer defines you. Nope. Dig deep and find the determination to let the good define you.  Maybe that means taking a step forward instead of two steps back. Maybe that means telling someone "hi" when you meet them on the street. Maybe that means finding new best friends and people who positively impact in ways you never thought possible. Maybe that means just being present...without the stress and anxiety of worrying what anyone else thinks. Maybe that means offering grace to others, but also yourself. Whatever it is, cling to it. Cherish the good. You'll be glad you did.

But, always, no matter what, embrace the ah-ha moment and for the sake of those gone before us and our one eternal Savior, turn again to LIFE...and SMILE.  If that means starting over, do it. I think you'll be glad you did...at least I hope so...

Until next time…Kari [xoxo] 

 

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Mama Ell tribute: 

Just Yesterday

It seems like just yesterday you yelled “Woo Hoo” across the street to give us all a big wave.  I loved hearing that sound, but I loved it even more when it was followed with you walking across the street with your bright, happy smile to come chat…even if for just a few minutes. 

It seems like just yesterday you poured dish soap on the cement pad outside, followed with water so we could play in the soap and bubbles!  Oh, that was so much fun.  Little did I know, you probably just wanted it (or us) cleaned! 

It seems like just yesterday you lined us all up along the cabinets in the kitchen to make sure we remembered the rules and would follow them.  I don’t remember a single time you “yelled” at us…you just talked to us like your own. 

It seems like just yesterday we played “library” in your kitchen.  We were “old-school” and still had the paper checkout sheets.  We had such fun writing the due dates on the 20 books each of us checked out. 

It seems like just yesterday you would yell, “HIT THE DECK!” With that, we all fell to the floor to be the first to find whatever was dropped! 

It seems like just yesterday I hid from my Mom when she came to pick me up each day.  I cried because I didn’t want to go home.  Mom could usually get me to come if she said we were going to “Wally World” (aka Wal-Mart).  But, I specifically remember a time that didn’t even work and I cried, “but I don’t wanna go to Wally World! I wanna stay here!” Now that my own kids do this, I understand the angst that causes for a Mom, but also the comfort in knowing the kids are well taken care of.

It seems like just yesterday Angie fell off the swing set and broke her arm.  I will never forget you getting out a cutting board to splint it, but I was certain you were going to cut her arm off.  Of course, I should have known better – Mama Ell knew how to handle EVERYTHING.

It seems like just yesterday you called me “Re-Re” and Troy “Otto.”  The only problem was that I went home and told Mom you had a new name for Troy.  I couldn’t remember it, but I did remember that was spelled the same backwards and forwards and was just o’s and t’s.  Instead of remembering “Otto,” we thought you named him “Toot.”  “Toot” stuck from that day on…

It seems like just yesterday we talked about having a “Mama Ell’s kids” reunion.  We never did, but you should see the memories flowing on our Facebook group right now! 

It seems like just yesterday we prayed at your house.  Yes, prayed.  I wish everyone had a Mama Ell – maybe this world would be a kinder place.

It seems like just yesterday, all of us kids piled into your vehicle (totally illegal these days) and went to the Summer Reading program at the library! 

It seems like just yesterday we marched in the Kiddie Parade as “Ell’s Angels.”  What a sight that was!

It seems like just yesterday Angie, Casey, and I would lay down at nap time on our individual mats and look under the bed skirt and talk to each other.  You’d tell us to be quiet, but I’m pretty sure we never listened…and you knew better anyway.

It seems like just yesterday you were here with us…smiling, giving hugs, fixing all of our boo-boos (we had A LOT of those), saying “Oh Roger” when he’d pull a funny stunt, hollering at Holly the dog, teaching us cross-stitch, and setting such an amazing example - for us to just love each other. 

You see, Mama Ell, you touched so many lives in such a positive and profound way.  You treated us with love and respect.  You helped raise us.  To explain you to someone who has never known you is almost impossible because there will only ever be ONE Mama Ell.  And, you were simply the best.  Your faith and love for all, but especially Jesus, will never be forgotten and never taken for granted.  I only have regrets that I didn’t see you more.  But, here’s the thing…

I told Leah last night that you weren’t doing too well.  She cried. She cried hard.

Among many other memories, she said, “So I won’t get to ride with her on the swing anymore and pretend we’re going to different countries?”  -  No, Leah, you won’t, but what a great memory!

Today, I told Leah you went to heaven. You know what she said (after shedding a few tears)?… “Can I go to her funeral. I loved her.”  - Yes, you can… and me too, Leah, me too.  What an impact you made on a 7-year-old you maybe saw twice a year.  But, that was just you – so incredibly special! 

Mama Ell - Thank you for making such a huge impact in so many lives.  Thank you for showing grace every day.  Thank you for always loving me (and so many others).  You made a difference in my life and, for that, I will be forever grateful.  Most of all, please know how special you were and how much I loved you.

Love,  Your “Re-Re” - Kari (Frerking) Woodard

Written: 2/26/18

The Unexpected Plan - the Good & the Not So Good

One of my favorite parts of the "new year" has always been starting a new planner!  (To be specific, I can only function with a Blue Sky monthly/weekly calendar.)  I have (embarrassingly) tried a ridiculous number of other planners.  But, Blue Sky always wins.  During September of every year, I "get" to order my new planner so it's ready for January.  I have historically celebrated 1) getting the planner and 2) "Happy New Planner Day" (aka January 1). This year was no different...it was definitely a "Happy New Planner Day" - the start of something new, a clean slate, and a chance to reassign colors for each of us (yes, we each have our own color so I can keep things straight in my brain).  

This year was different -- I was getting rid of the planner that included legal meetings, joint stipulation deadlines, and the first schedule of my shared custody arrangement. I forgot to write down birthdays, work stuff, and important dates because the unexpected - and certainly unplanned - divorce suddenly took over every little detail.  Throwing away my 2021 planner was down right exciting.  The year 2022 would be so much better...or so I hoped.  Reality hit when I realized every single day of 2022 is scheduled for my kids and where they will / should be. Every single day is marked with a dark pink "Kari" or a blue "____". I cut out our holiday schedule from the joint stipulation and taped in the back of my planner. Seriously, I should be focusing on birthdays, games, practices, events, work stuff, etc...not my darn custody agreement!  And then, that's when it hit...I was reminded that I don't "get" to see MY kids any time I want. I have to "let them go" and live somewhere else for 50% of the year. Even more importantly, I turned my thoughts to how the kids must feel. They will be tossed back and forth constantly.  Instead of worrying about what homework is due and when, they worry about whether or not they need to pack their "sleep bag" for the next morning or not. They have to think about their week and if they have any practices...does the correct parent have the correct sports bag?  It sucks. 

Now, I know what you're thinking... "Kids are resilient. They will adjust. They will handle it better than you expect." And, honestly, maybe that is correct. But, darn it - they shouldn't have to!  As if the kids don't have enough to worry about...now they have to live two different places, feel a whole host of new pressures and responsibilities, and try to keep up on everything else in life. I catch myself screaming "It's NOT fair" in my mind more frequently than I care to admit. And, why?  Because a marriage ended. Because the man I thought I loved decided to move on. Because there was something "better" out there. Because, as humans, we tend to chase happiness and think we "deserve to be happy" versus thinking about the impact our choices and decisions may have on those around us. 

Yes, today is a "frustrated" day...a day where I want it all to go away and let my kids be kids again!  They deserve that!  So, today, when I pick them up from school, we are going to go home and have fun. We might get McDonald's and/or play a game. We will go to our Church's Awana program tonight. We may even sit in the hot tub so we can have our "chat time." And, then, I will (finally) be able to hug and kiss them good night and tell them I love them in person.  I will probably lay awake and watch their precious faces sleep for a few minutes before I fall asleep.  And, I will be ever so grateful that - for the short time they're asleep - they aren't thinking about the "big D" (as my son calls it), whose house they will be at the next day, if they have everything they need from Dad's house, etc.  Their mind will finally get to rest...until the morning when they start thinking about it all over again. 

If you are divorced and have shared custody, I get it. It's hard. Know that you aren't alone.  

If you are married and considering a divorce, please reconsider. Please go get counseling.  Please think - HARD - about the impact this decision could have on those around you. Try couples counseling. Talk to each other and try to work with your spouse to find a path forward together. Communicate with each other. 

While I truly believe I will (eventually) be better off because of my divorce (at least that's what everyone tells me), it doesn't make it any easier for the kids. I can promise you that I will do my absolute best to help the kids transition throughout this new hand they've been dealt.  

I must admit...I still love my new planner, even with the custody schedule. Maybe - just maybe - 2022 will be a year of new beginnings, positive changes, and one incredibly organized planner.  I'm going to guess I will still face plenty of challenges, but perhaps I will be able to handle them better than I may have in the past.  Perhaps my tribe of friends will continue to carry me/us through the tough times and hopefully, I will be able to start to give back just a fraction of what's been given to me in return.  Yes, we'll go with that...for now! 

Until next time... Kari [xoxo]